Unrequited
by Fate VII
Summary: Mai Kujaku is faced with one of her oddest tasks yet--extricating Jounouchi, whom she hadn't seen in over a year, from a one-way crush on a cranky CEO, whom he still hates despite all uncontrolled lusting. Chaos ensues and unrequited lub abounds.
1. In Which Mai Kujaku Requires Valium

Fate: Anyhoo, this would be a very, very deranged story starring Mai, Jounouchi, and Seto. And I'm experimenting with using everyone's Japanese names and such. Go with it. Whee.

Disclaimer: Fate doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh, because she has her hands full with her own characters.

&

Kujaku Mai couldn't sleep. At all. She was instead lying on her back on the couch, channel-surfing with the TV on mute. She was staring blankly at the ceiling rather than watch the TV, however. The A/C roared limply and breathed lukewarm air onto her face, pressing her thick hair into the cushions and thence spilling over to the floor. 

_Bored, bored, bored, _roasting_ and bored,_ Mai thought, sighing and flicking past a few more channels idly. _And early-morning TV really sucks,_ she added mentally, glancing at the clock. Two-fifteen a.m. on a Saturday, halfway through July. Her poor, half-dead air conditioner wasn't going to last much longer, and she didn't know what she'd do if this heat wave didn't break aside from spend the day submerged in an ice bath. 

She threw the remote at the TV in sudden and pointless anger at her situation. _Dammit. I'm all but penniless from rent and finishing university and other money-sucking things, I don't exactly have a ton of friends in this damn country, and I can _never_ sleep._ "Oh, God, I need Valium," Mai groaned, taking her grievances to the vocal stage. She lay there in frustrated silence, listening to the odd little jingle emanating from the TV more or less peacefully, albeit wide awake. 

Then she blinked. "Wait a..." The TV screen clearly read 'mute'. "Dammit! My cell!" She immediately made a dive for her handbag, juggled the contents madly for a few seconds, then grabbed the cell phone and flicked it open, dropping the rest of the stuff on the floor. "Moshi moshi?" she asked breathlessly, cramming things one-handed back into her handbag.

"Uhhh..."

"Moshi moshi?" she repeated, throwing her handbag across the room. It hit the wall, burst open, and scattered makeup, tissues, spare chance, and other such objects onto the floor.

"Errr..."

"Am I talking to a member of the living dead?" Mai asked tartly, putting a hand on her hip and turning her back on the mess with a huff. Normally she would have already hung up, but there was nothing else to do.

"Ummm...Mai-san?"

She blinked. "This is Kujaku Mai, yes," she told the phone.

"Oh, thank God! You've got to help me!" Mai blinked once more. "I can't go to any of my normal friends because I don't know what they'll say and I want this to be over with _fast!_ If I tell them it'll _never_ die, especially Honda-kun!" A panicked, gasping breath followed this completely and utterly nonsensical statement. "Please help me!"

Mai was beginning to feel alarmed. "Who...?" The voice was familiar to her, had been so familiar at one time that she hadn't needed to think about identification, just...

But that time was apparently over, and the person was reduced to a nameless shadowy figure from the past. Mai wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

The panicked nameless shadowy figure seemed to think it was definitely a bad sign. "You...you don't know me? It's...I'm Jounouchi. You...you remember when we did a lot of dueling together, right? I..."

"Oh!" Mai said, surprised, as the nameless shadowy figure snapped into startling clarity. She spared a few seconds to mentally berate herself for forgetting a _duelist's_ voice, something she'd sworn never to do just because it made life easier. Still, she wasn't sure that she'd recognize _any_ of the old crew if they came up to her in the street at first sight, not when they'd been so familiar she'd simply forgotten the physical details about any of them...

"Yeah," Jounouchi said nervously. "Hi."

"Hello there," Mai replied, ignoring her involuntary resurrection of the old tumult of strange confusions that had risen back in those weird times. "What's wrong? It doesn't sound like you just called up to talk." _Especially since none of you ever did..._

"Can I talk to you face-to-face?" Jounouchi blurted, confirming her suspicions. 

"Now?" Mai asked with a glance at the clock.

"Um...if you don't mind too much," Jounouchi said quickly.

Mai spared a second to make her decision. "Oh, sure," she said decisively. 

"You really don't mind? I mean, you must have been asleep and all so I..."

"I wasn't asleep, actually, but I _was_ bored out of my mind. I suppose it'd be out of place to ask how you and your friends have been getting on since I saw you last," Mai said coolly. 

"If you really want to know I'll tell you, but I'd rather wait for that," Jounouchi said. She could practically hear him squirming in some sort of discomfiture over the phone.

Mai shrugged, although the would-be recipient of the gesture couldn't see it. "Then I'll wait to satisfy my curiosity. Well, actually, I won't. I want to know what's going on."

"You'll come here? Right now?" Jounouchi inquired hopefully.

"Where's 'here'?" Mai asked sensibly. 

"The coffee shop on Marandon. The all-night one," Jounouchi specified.

"All right, I'll be there in, oh, say, half an hour," Mai estimated, looking around for her clothes.

"Half an hour? You're that far out?"

"Well, I suppose I could be there in fifteen or twenty minutes, but I'm only wearing a negligee at this point. I don't want to give some poor unsuspecting person a heart attack or kill someone of blood loss. Being charged with manslaughter would be so inconvenient," Mai said solemnly. 

"Eh...excuse me for a bit actually well I'll see you then thank you so much and please wear clothes wait that came out wrong wait wait I didn't mean it that way either um so bye!" Jounouchi babbled. Mai could practically hear his nose bleeding before he hung up.

"Bye," she told the dead line, amusement coloring her voice. "Now where _are_ my clothes?" she wondered. She got up and immediately tripped over a pair of thigh-high pant legs, landing face-first in a box of stiletto heels. "This does not bode well."

She found herself screeching curses some time later as she tried to wriggle into her clothes, clean up, and stay relatively close to her allotted amount of time, all at once. She tugged ineffectually at her red skirt's hem, then began reapplying the makeup she'd washed off when she'd returned from the club just a scant hour before. She managed to accentuate her natural gorgeousness (because she was, of course, naturally beautiful) to the point of perfection in record time, then snatched up the selected pair of stilettos and wrestled them on as she hopped into her relatively new car. 

"Decent timing," she congratulated herself, fluffing her hair once more and straightening her clothes once more before peeling out, tires screeching and the few late-night drivers cursing and veering frantically out of her way.

The high-speed drive woke her up enough that no trace of the would-be somnolent time she'd spent in her apartment showed by the time she flounced into the coffee shop. It also woke up every single driver she forced off the road, as well as those agile enough to stay within the confines of the black asphalt. She liked to think of herself as one who did the public a favor, not as a national driving hazard. Unfortunately for her, she was the only one to think that way, and maintaining her drivers' license sometimes rested only on the flutter of her eyelashes.

Mai glared at the near-empty coffee shop. As far as she could see, the only people occupying the shop were a dozing young cashier with limp mousy hair hanging down to her shoulders, a dark redhead who looked like a college freshman, and her partner in conversation, a skinny dark-haired boy of the same age. They seemed to be awake only by the graces of the several empty cups of espresso surrounding them. As she watched, the girl reached a shaking hand over and grabbed another shot out from behind the counter. She handed it to her equally wired companion, who knocked it back, slammed it down, and slumped onto the counter, obviously waiting for the extra caffeine to kick in. Jounouchi was nowhere to be seen, unless he'd gotten a sex change or managed to shrink about half a foot and dyed his hair black since she'd last seen him.

She angrily turned to the door, reaching one hand into a pocket for her cell phone. Her finger was on the 'redial' button and she was mentally composing her rant when an exhausted voice reached her. 

"Mai-san..."

Mai did a double-take, glancing to her left. What had seemed to be an empty corner with an uncleared table was instead a table with a very tired Jounouchi sitting at it. As she sailed off towards the corner, her hapless cell phone breathed a sigh of relief at its salvation from being deafened in such an undignified way. 

"You look like hell," she informed the blonde boy who had blended in so well with the yellowed walls. He had a half-drunk cup of coffee in front of him, surrounded by empty sugar packets and one stray bloody napkin, proof of her phone call. He also gave no sign of having heard her, neither lifting his head out of his hands or speaking as she slid into the seat across from him and picking up an unused swizzle stick idly. Mai sighed and tried another tack. "You're not supposed to have your elbows on the table, you know," she admonished, poking the aforementioned joints with her purloined swizzle stick.

"Mrrr..." Jounouchi groaned, then looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. "I am so very glad you came," he said slowly. "I wasn't sure you would. I didn't wake you?" he asked, uncharacteristically solicitous. 

"You actually solved the problem of what I was going to do for the rest of the night. I seem to have developed the most hideous insomnia," Mai confessed. "What did you want to see me about?" she probed, drawing invisible designs on the scratched tabletop with the swizzle stick.

"I have serious problems," Jounouchi said, staring meditatively at the half-drunk cup of coffee. He picked up another packet of sugar and absentmindedly emptied it into the mug. 

"Why are you coming to me with them? We haven't even talked in, what, a year and a half?" Mai tried to think back to their last meeting, and failed. She'd taken it for granted, and then there was simply nothing to take for granted anymore, just fading memories. "Don't you have lots of other, closer friends?"

Jounouchi blinked at the mound of sugar slowly vanishing into the coffee, which he supplemented before answering, "If you don't want to deal with this, it's okay--"

"No, no, I didn't mean that," Mai cut him off. Jounouchi relaxed visibly and dumped yet another packet of sugar into the coffee. "I was just wondering why you'd come to me. Are they hurt or in trouble?" she pressed, not expecting much of a positive on any of those due to the singularly odd phone call she'd received to kick the whole matter off half an hour ago. 

"No...It's just that...that I want _your_ help," Jounouchi conceded gruffly. 

"I can't help you if you don't tell me the problem," Mai reasoned. 

"No, you probably couldn't." Jounouchi looked furtively at the girl dozing at the cash register, at the wired pair sitting at the counter, then back at Mai. "I...er...I'm, um, crushing on someone," he stammered in a whisper, his face covering the entire spectrum from white all the way to deep purple and back.

"And this explains why you're talking to _me_ how?" Mai asked, deciding to not waffle with anything she said. Jounouchi was waffling enough for the both of them, and more to spare. Thus, when no answer save for more dumping of sugar into the hapless coffee was forthcoming, she reached out and poked Jounouchi's forehead with the swizzle stick experimentally. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what you need," she said, more gentleness in her voice than she'd expected to be there.

"Promise you won't laugh or tell or blackmail me?" Jounouchi rattled off, still in a whisper.

Mai held up the swizzle stick officiously. "Swear to God."

"Mrrr...smurflefurfluf."

"Smurfs are for small children, Jounouchi-san," Mai couldn't resist teasing him lightly. She thought maybe be grinned, but his newfound position of nose-to-the-table didn't exactly allow her to study his face that closely.

"Smurfle-furfle," Jounouchi 'enunciated'.

Mai bit back a giggle and waited.

"Oh, fine, Seto Kaiba," Jounouchi said, picking his head up from the table briefly. As soon as he finished speaking, he dropped his head to the table once more. "Seto fucking Kaiba the fucking CEO of fucking KaibaCorp."

"I didn't know Kaiba-sama was a pimp," Mai deadpanned.

Jounouchi threw himself upright in his seat and burst out laughing, although there was a slightly hysterical tinge to the laughter. He caught his breath after a few seconds, closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them once more. "How would you like me to help?" Mai asked tactfully.

"You could shoot me here and now," Jounouchi suggested.

Mai glowered at him. "No. So you're asking me to help you get over him quickly. Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" Jounouchi wailed. He glanced around furtively, relaxed when he saw that his moment of hysteria had not in any way attracted the attention of the other three in the café, then continued, "I don't _like_ him. I _hate_ him, dammit!"

"Oh, so you're looking to get your mind to overcome your wayward body," Mai said, nodding. "Although being a rich man's boy-toy could have its advantages," she thought out loud. "He'll give you anything you want, and he might be--"

"Gyaaaaaaaah!" Jounouchi screeched. The blast of it ruffled the hair of everyone else in the shop. The cashier was oblivious, the wired pair both glowered momentarily at Jounouchi before resuming their intense scrutiny of the long line of espresso cups, and Mai immediately took out a brush and returned her hair to its previous state. Jounouchi, meanwhile, was whimpering, "No! Nonononononoooo! That's what I--" He then 'eep'ed, clapped a hand over his mouth, and promptly began bashing his head on the table.

Mai was overwhelmed with a sudden sense of consternation. "Hey," she said ineffectually, poking him with the swizzle stick. When no response was forthcoming, she repeated the performance at a higher volume. Again, no response. The consternation decided to try and possess her to mimic the blonde boy, but after a moment of mental bargaining, she settled for an exasperated and unladylike, "Aaargh." _Help,_ she added mentally.

"Excuse me," said someone behind her, as though her mental summons had magically whisked someone over. Mai began fervently believing in a higher power when the owner of the voice summarily parted Jounouchi from the table and slapped him across the face, halting his hysterics.

Mai found herself staring in relief at the wired redhead from the counter, who was now sternly addressing Jounouchi. "Now stop screaming and be sensible about this. Since I couldn't help hearing you, I'm going to offer my advice for you to consider or reject as you will. It sounds to me like you avoid this person anyway, so it's not as bad as it could be. I mean, it could be your co-worker or something like that. So just calm down and let the nice girl help you out, and stop screeching. You'll wake up the cashier and I won't be able to mooch any more espresso. Ta," said the redhead cheerily. She then returned to her mooched espresso and her companion with a wave.

Jounouchi swallowed. "I get the feeling that I have just been severely reprimanded."

"You have," Mai confirmed.

"Oh." Jounouchi blinked. "I'm sorry, by the way. You're trying to help and all I'm doing is panicking."

"Apology accepted," Mai replied primly. "Now. You want to get rid of any feelings you might have for a certain CEO. I'm inclined to treat this as a normal occurrence. This sort of thing does happen to adolescents all the time. I don't know how you boys deal with it, but the girls' tried-and-true method may yet work for you."

"Oh, thank God," Jounouchi said. It sounded like he meant it.

"I'll have to talk to him, then," Mai said thoughtfully. "You won't, of course. We want to keep you clear of him until we know what _his_ feelings are, of course."

"But he hates me, too!" Jounouchi protested.

Mai raised one eyebrow. "Maybe he doesn't, and you're somehow subliminally picking up on it on a level your mind doesn't understand. This sort of thing happened once or twice to friends of mine, you see."

Jounouchi looked faintly relieved.

"Will you--?"

  
"Tell him you want his body but wouldn't mind if his mind was conveniently abolished from it? No, of course not," Mai reassured him.

"Thank you."

"Question," Mai said after a thoughtful pause.

"Yes?"

"How do I find him?"

"Um. Kame Game Shop, two days from now, around noon. I avoid the place then, it's how I know," Jounouchi clarified.

"Because you don't trust him to neither knock him and and punch his lights out or knock him down and snog his brains out," Mai concluded shrewdly. Jounouchi's responding coloring and sweatdrop was more than enough confirmation. "So this has been going on for a while?" Mai asked slowly.

Jounouchi nodded.

"Then why wait so long to get help?" she inquired.

"Dreams."

Mai would have made some sort of sweatdrop-provoking remark about teenage boys, but the empty look and complete lack of embarrassment (for once) that accompanied the one word dried the words in her throat. 

"I see," she lied. She then looked more closely at Jounouchi. "Have you slept at all recently?"  
"No. I told you, dreams," Jounouchi pointed out. 

"You need the sleep," Mai said, standing and waiting for him to also wobble to his feet. "Go home and stop drinking so much coffee. Or liquefied, coffee-flavored sugar," she amended, peering into the coffee mug that was now half-full of sugary sludge. 

"Mmm," Jounouchi acquiesced, following her gaze.

"Did you drive here?" Mai inquired.

Jounouchi shook his head. "I walked. I needed to clear my head after..."

"That's a blessing at least, since you're in no condition to drive. Hellish as my form of transport is, you may be up all night," she added maliciously as she towed the now-docile blonde out of the door and packed him into the passenger side of her black Bug. He had scarcely begun poking at the purple leather interior curiously before Mai rocketed out of there, knocking him into the window.

Five minutes of breakneck driving later, Mai pulled up to an apartment complex and watched in amusement as Jounouchi vaulted out and kissed the ground. 

"I know this is going to sound silly after what you just went through, but go to _sleep_," Mai told him.

"All right, sergeant major lady, sir!" Jounouchi straightened up and snapped a perfect salute, then backed away down the drive with a tired wave. "I'll call you in two days," he called as he pushed open the door.

"Two days," Mai confirmed. She slumped back into her seat, suddenly tired, as Jounouchi disappeared into his house. She fired up the engine and purred back out into the street before hitting the accelerator. "I hope I'm still in practice for this."

%

Fate: Mwaha. Mwahaha. Mwa ha ha ha haaaaaa....

Duel: *comes running out waving the review stick of doom*


	2. In Which Seto Kaiba Is Quite Discomfited

Fate: I ish addicted to this story, I am. Sorry about the huge delay in updates--I'm only just getting back on my writing feet, as it were. Or hands. Or whatever. 

  


Disclaimer: We don't own anything. At all. 

Max: So where's the evil laughter?

Disclaimer: Don't push it.

Max: Meh, on with the fic!

  


  


&

  


  


"Mai-san? Is that you?"

Mai blinked as her eyes adjusted to the gloom of the Kame Game Shop. "Um. Yes?"

"We haven't seen you in a while," said the voice, sounding astonished. 

Mai squinted through the darkness and took a step closer to the counter. "We? There's only one of you," she said to the diminutive figure. "Mutou-san?"

"Hiya, Mai-san!" the figure replied cheerfully. "Yami, come out and say hi to her!"

The room grew briefly darker, leaving Mai blinking even more furiously as a shape coagulated next to the frantically waving Yuugi. "You've been absent for a long time, Mai-san," Yami said coolly. 

_Oh, right, it was that damn smug watch-me-state-the-fucking-obvious-and-bow-to-me attitude that always made me pissed off at him! How could I have been so stupid to forget that?_ Mai castigated herself after she spent a few angry seconds grinding her teeth without quite knowing why. She tossed her hair back, set her jaw, and matched the pharaoh stare for stare in the dark room. "I could say the same of you, since I am still an active duelist and yet have never come across you."

"Perhaps _my_ contests aren't heard of that far down," Yami said softly.

Mai had one hand on the pepper spray in her purse and was thinking longingly of giving Yami a faceful when Yuugi punched his other on the arm and said, "Bite your tongue. You _haven't_ been competing, and Kaiba-kun is practically at the end of his tether because of it. You _do_ owe him a duel or two. And be nice to Mai-san, because we haven't seen her in ages and I want to talk to her."

Yami pouted in a most regal manner and subsided. Mai, however, kept her hand on the pepper spray. _Nothing like revenge when it's unanticipated._ "Thank you."

Yuugi grinned. "You're quite welcome, Mai-san. Anything you'd like?"

_Yes, Seto Kaiba trussed up and attached to a lie detector machine._ Mai ignored this truthful but most likely havoc-causing response and traded it for, "I wanted to do my normal biweekly upgrade and decided to come in here and say hello as well. It's been over a year and a half, you know, and besides, you might have something that most of the other larger chains just don't carry. Everything's mass-produced out there, and the small stores are getting harder to find," she lied casually. 

"Makes sense," Yuugi said with another blinding smile. "We have lots of new stuff in, and some of it is definitely in your line," he added engagingly.

_Damn, the boy's turning into quite the salesman,_ Mai noted. She did a quick mental budget, came to the conclusion that she had roughly three thousand yen to last her the summer, not counting food money, and said, "So what have you got?"

What's food in the larger and much more entertaining scheme of Duel Monsters, anyway?

"Here, take a look at this," Yuugi said, proffering a card to her in a plastic holder.

"Poison Darts?" she asked, raising one eyebrow as she looked it over.

"They're supposed to be for air-type monsters. It raises their attack points by five hundred but lowers their defense by three. You can do up to a thousand points of Direct Damage plus the normal attack for the first turn, but you pay for the Direct Damage with your bonus Attack Points. For every time you deliver one hundred or more points of Direct Damage, your bonus Attack goes down by fifty. When you've used up all thousand Direct Damage points, then you're back to normal, except for your Defense," Yuugi rattled off, barely looking at the card.

"Sold," Mai announced after a few seconds of thought. "Anything else?"

Yuugi reached under the counter, vanishing entirely from view. "Lemme have a look..."

Yami stepped over and peered down at his hikari. "No, that box is almost entirely dragon cards. Try the next one over, I don't know what's in there. Unless you want something for your Harpie's Pet Dragon?" he asked.

"Maybe," she replied. _Anything to legitimately keep me here until Kaiba shows up...and anything that will get me into a conversation with him is even better,_ she thought. 

"Maybe you'd like a power booster?" Yami suggested, malice in his quiet suggestion. 

Mai leaned over the counter and replied, just as softly, "You only won because I let you, that time. Your precious Anzu only got you the chips to go that far because I let you. Third time's the charm, pharaoh--will I be there to save your ass?"

Yami raised one eyebrow in a near-mirror of Mai's previous expression. "Wasn't it me who saved you last time?"

"Excellent job of saving people, yours...how many of your other's friends died in the process?" Mai hissed.

"Be quiet," Yami snapped.

"I'm not your servant, pharaoh, I'm a grown woman. I'll say what I like," Mai retorted.

"Isn't it good to know that at least one of your spineless acquaintances has some guts? Oh, wait, silly me--she's the one that got away, am I not correct?"

Yami straightened up and tried to look threatening. Mai smirked and slid away from the counter, turning to the side so she could see both Yami and Seto Kaiba. "Kaiba-sama," she said neutrally. 

"Hiya, Kaiba-kun!" Yuugi chirped as he bounced to his feet, ignoring the Mexican standoff developing between his yami, Seto, and Mai. "Mai-san, here's some more," he added, pushing a handful across the counter to her. Mai half-turned and picked up the cards, thumbing through them and picking out the ones she liked. Most of them she'd seen before but hadn't been able to buy, but every so often a random one popped up that she couldn't figure out. "What--?"

"That won't be of much use unless you rely more heavily on dragons than I think you do," Seto said, glancing at the object of her scrutiny briefly. "Do you think those Harpie's Pet Dragons breed wantonly?" he added to Yuugi. "_Honestly_. I would have thought you'd know better."

Mai fought back the urge to burst out laughing at the slightly peeved look on Seto's face as he lectured Yuugi. "Then what does it do?" she challenged him.

"Hiryuu Kadode?" he asked, naming the card. She nodded, feeling oddly like a puppet. "Pay 500 life points to replace your entire hand with dragon cards, then shuffle the deck. Not the best card in the world, especially since you need something to sacrifice to get many kinds of dragon cards out there, but it has its uses." Seto shrugged. "I've used it once or twice." He sighed, still looking faintly aggrieved. 

"Hm," Mai said noncommittally, and handed the card back to a slightly abashed Yuugi. "Have you spoken to Jounouchi lately?" she asked, purposely leaving the target of her conversation open-ended.

"I most emphatically have _not!_ I don't even like the little mutt! Why do you ask?" Seto squeaked.

Mai's inner self was laughing much too hysterically to comment. She merely looked over at him disdainfully and said, "I was talking to _Mutou-san._ Why, are you hiding some sort of illicit relationship that we should know about?"

"Eh? Wha? N-no! Of-of course not? What gave you that idea?" Seto rejoined, struggling to get out of his falsetto range.

There was a loud thump as Yuugi finally gave up and collapsed to the floor, laughing almost as hysterically as Mai's inner voice. Yami seemed to be torn between gaping at Seto's rapid color changes and making a few provocative remarks himself.

_Well, that's one thing checked for sure...we have two seemingly random unrequited crushes going on here. The suggestion of trickery raises its head once more,_ Mai mused._ Neither of them wants it, but they damn well seem to have it...odd, that._

_So which one started it? Once we get that down, things should start going much more smoothly. Pity we haven't got an inside agent for Kaiba._

Her mission was relatively accomplished, but there was still her own personal entertainment to be taken into account. She wasn't quite done needling Seto yet, nor was she done making her purchases. 

"What gave me that idea? Oh, I don't know, just feminine intuition and the like. You know," Mai said, flashing one of her more engaging smiles and being thus rewarded with a serious glimmer of conflicting interests in the young CEO's eyes. _This is so easy I almost feel sorry for him. Hormones volatile much?_

"Er. Actually, I don't," Seto pointed out. "Last I checked, I was still male."

Yuugi pointed innocently off to a door to one side, having regained his footing. "There's the bathroom if you'd like to check again. It's unisex, so don't worry if you've made a mistake."

Seto turned an odd shade of greenish-puce, Yami flung himself dramatically to the floor and began laughing madly, and Mai was thanking her lucky stars that she'd been clever enough to record this conversation for blackmail purposes --er, rather, for Jounouchi's benefit. Blackmail hadn't been in her mind at all. Really.

"I, uh, think I'll, uh, come back later," Seto said, looking more than slightly disoriented by this turn of events. With that, he turned and sped out the door, his cheekbones flushing an odd magenta counterpoint to his grayish-green pallor. 

"I love my job," Yuugi announced as the black limo screamed away down the street. 

_Mine's not that bad either,_ Mai noted, though she didn't dare say it out loud. "Well then...can you ring these up for me?" she asked, pushing her four choices across the counter.

"Sure," Yuugi said. "That'd be two thousand," he added after a pause.

Mai sighed and fished the money out of her purse, finally relinquishing her hold on the pepper spray. She tucked her purchases into her purse, meaning to sort them into her deck later, and turned to walk out. Then she whirled back and looked studiously at the pair. "You _haven't_ heard from Jounouchi, have you?" she inquired.

Yuugi shook his head slowly. Yami just stared at her blankly. "No. Not for a long time now," Yuugi said, sounding slightly worried. "At least two or three weeks. Usually he's in here every day, except today of course, when Kaiba-kun comes in, but he's been avoiding us lately."

"I see," Mai said honestly. "Thank you." She then left the shop with a backwards wave and slid into her car, nearly ramming the vehicle parallel parked in front of her and screeching out into traffic. 

Her cell phone rang almost as soon as she hit the freeway. "Moshi moshi," she said breathlessly, maneuvering through the lanes at her usual speed of 140 kilometres an hour. 

"Mai-san?" Jounouchi said hesitantly. "Did you--?"

"See Kaiba? Yes, I did, and it was absolutely hilarious. I have a conversation that you absolutely must hear," Mai said, a smile gracing her perfect features in remembrance.

"Ugh. Do I _want_ to?" Jounouchi asked, sounding faintly disgusted. 

Mai smirked. "Yes, if you like hearing Kaiba-sama humiliated publicly."

"Bring it, I want to hear it," Jounouchi replied instantly.

"I thought so," Mai answered. "By the way, Mutou-san is worried about you," she pointed out, remembering their final conversation.

"Why?" Jounouchi asked blankly.

"What, you're not friends anymore?" Mai retorted. "According to them, you used to be in that game shop all the time. Now you're not. I mean, I know that the pharaoh is an insufferable prat and he seems to be worse than usual, but really...they're wondering about you."

"You have a point," Jounouchi said wonderingly.

"Of course I do," Mai answered smugly. "Go talk to your friends. You need them and they need you, and frankly I'm no replacement for them. You don't have to explain everything if you don't trust them to keep their mouths shut, but I think you're underestimating them. Well, maybe not that pharaoh or the brown-haired idiot--"

"Hey! That is my _friend_ you're insulting--" Jounouchi squawked. 

"Then act like it," Mai told him. "Go talk to them. I can give you advice, but I don't know you as well as they do. They're the ones who are going to get you to take my wonderful advice that you never listen to."

"I listen," Jounouchi said woefully.

"Then listen to this: go talk to them," Mai enunciated.

"All right, all right, I'll go tomorrow morning," Jounouchi said. "Yuugi-kun and Yami-kun are going to be going at it like rabbits if I come back after closing time, and I don't think I could make it before then."

"Good," Mai said. "When can I find you and give you this recording, anyway?"

"Um...how late can you stay up?" Jounouchi enquired. "I have to wait for my father to fall asleep and then sneak out. The place is also emptier later on."

"One in the morning good for you?" Mai asked.

"I'll try and make it, but no guarantees that I'll be there before two," Jounouchi said decisively. "Bring something to entertain yourself for an hour or so."

"I have some deck compilation to do," Mai answered. "I can do that there."

"Okay," Jounouchi said cheerily. "I'll see you then, Mai-san."

"Ja ne," Mai said airily and clicked the phone off. She caught the briefest flash of police lights as they began to crest the hill behind her, and neatly swung off onto the nearest exit. The cruiser sailed past her and on down the road as she handed over the toll and stomped on the accelerator, sending her careening down the exit ramp. 

  


*

  


Seto Kaiba stared moodily at the tinted limo window, completely oblivious to the fact that the vehicle had stopped. 

"Erm...Kaiba-sama..."

Nothing. 

"Kaiba-sama?"

Still no response.

"Kaiba-sama!"

Seto's eyelid twitched slightly, but other than that there was no response.

The driver scuttled off, then returned with the Ultimate Weapon.

"OI! NII-SAMA!"

"Yes?" Seto replied, jumping and whirling as well as he could in a car to face a very nervous chaffeur, an equally nervous car attendant, and a very exasperated younger brother.

"The limo has been stopped for twenty minutes," Mokuba said, unnatural patience in his voice. "You can get out now and stop daydreaming. And maybe take a cold shower," he added as Seto began to climb out of the car.

Seto instead made a strange noise that was a cross between a murderous growl and a terrified whimper. "Shut up!" he said, sounding very undignified.

Mokuba rolled his eyes and waved the two staff members away. "Nii-sama."

"Yes?"

"You are going to sit down with me, tell me who he or she is and why you're doing all this creepy pining after them, and then you are going to go answer all those phone calls that I've been fielding for the past half hour, not necessarily in that order," Mokuba said, sounding aggrieved.

"What? What phone calls? Why wasn't I informed?"

"You turned your phone off," Mokuba said, looking harassed. "You will find at least three messages on it from me and probably five more from the people who reached me. God knows what happened from the people at _work_."

"_What happened?!_"

"Go to your study and I will get you coffee and answers," Mokuba said, the dangerously patient edge back in his voice. As Seto recognized this as a definite warning sign and fled to his precious computer room, Mokuba howled after him, "AND TURN YOUR DAMNED CELL PHONE BACK ON!"

Seto was already dialing frantically on it as he hit the door running.

Mokuba slumped back against the limo briefly, sighed, and then straightened and pulled out his own cell phone. 

"Kaiba Mokuba. I want _everything_ forwarded to my brother on his private channel, and get that bloody rep down here in style. Give us at least an hour to pull things together, and get that rep out by five in the afternoon. You understand? Do it _now_." Mokuba hung up with an angry click, muttering, "Of all the damned bad timing...at least it'll cheer him up, yelling at people." He shook his head, then sprinted to the house and flung the door open. "Oi! I need coffee, I need the place cleaned up, I need all the normal phones shut down, and did I mention the COFFEE?!"

Perhaps Mokuba should switch to decaf in the afternoons. 

  


  


%

  


  


Fate: *snerk* I am evil.

Seto: *whimpering in a corner and being horribly OOC*

Mokuba: WAHAHAHAHA!!

  


  


**molten-amber--**

Duel: PH34R!! Woohoo!

Fate: Meh....I'm being slow...will try to be quicker!

  


  


**Dragna Vey--**

Fate: Hmm...messing with emotions...such a satisfying process...*grin*

  


  


**Serene Goddess--**

Fate: Yep, that pairing appeals to me too...both of them do, actually, so I will be hard-pressed to decide....argh, ne?

  


  


**Wing-chan--**

Fluffy: Sorry about the long wait. Fate is trying to catch up on her work, etc etc.

  


  


**summer psycho--**

Fate: Again, gomennasai for my slowness. *bows down and grovels*

  


  


**Liviana--**

Fate: I noticed...so here she is! *grin*

  


  


**SweetMisery--**

Seto: You heard my side! Now feel sorry for me or I'll pay Duel to come and eat your soul!

Duel: Wahahahaha!

The White Ferret: *hits Seto upside the head with the Review Stick of Doom* Bad CEO! No biscuit! 

  


  


  


Duel: *grins maniacally*

TWAWKI: *runs screaming and typing reviews frantically*

Duel: Yay! I feel so good about myself. ^_^


	3. In Which Mokuba Kaiba Is Placated

Fate: Ahem. Apologies for the wait. I'm updating on my roomie's computer. IoVc3 will be going up soonish, and then I'll get cracking on new material. Sound good to y'all? It does? How convenient. Oh, and in case you didn't know, none of this is mine. Except Lupita and Ruoko. Borrow them if you like, but ask first. And on with the fic! 

&

"I think that by now I'm owed an explanation," Mokuba said politely after the rep had vacated the premises and the mansion had returned to its normal procedures.  

Seto glowered at him, wondering why his brother wasn't choosing to give him a break between tasks. This was followed with him heaving a sigh and dropping into one of the armchairs. "So be it," he said resignedly, in the tone that usually could bring about the stirrings of guilt in a younger brother's heart during even the most adverse situations. 

This time, of course, no such thing happened. Mokuba merely remained standing, his arms folded, scowling at his brother. 

"Stop looking at me like that," Seto said crankily. "And for God's sake sit down." 

Mokuba resentfully did so. "What happened to the control you're oh-so-famous for?" 

"Out the goddamn window, otouto," Seto snapped. He rose jerkily from the chair and went to the door, closing it firmly and locking it. He then crossed the room and repeated the performance with the other door. Mokuba, having picked up on Seto's suspicion, had finished closing, locking, and shading the windows. 

The younger boy turned with a hooked, charming smile that promised kingdoms in the easy glance if only his every wish was fulfilled. Seto hated that look not because it could compel him to bend to his brother's will, but because it showed that a adroit mind was at work behind those large gray eyes...a mind that reminded him of the worst aspects of himself. 

"Stop that, kid," Seto said sharply.  

The smile vanished from Mokuba's face, but the glow in his ice-pale eyes remained. "Your explanations are locked in with us, niisama." 

Seto felt the first stirrings of fury touch the back of his mind. Mokuba was becoming rather a teenaged brat at fourteen, styling his hair in gravitationally impossible fashions, tossing out his more childish attire in exchange for suits and uniforms, and developing a serious attitude to accompany his natural manipulative self. 

"Don't bait me, Mokuba," he warned. 

Mokuba seemed to be about to smile. "And why not"" 

"Because you don't have to," Seto replied. 

Mokuba blinked, then slowly took his former seat. "So if I don't have to, then you're going to be completely forthcoming with any information that I desire? I find myself not believing you." 

Seto sat down quickly to hide the flush spreading across his cheekbones. "What would you like me to tell you?" 

"You're asking me to bait you," Mokuba said gravely. "That's a bit contradictory." 

"There is a difference between baiting me into snapping at you and baiting me into telling you what I intend to make part of your knowledge anyway," Seto answered stiffly. "Take a wild guess at which one I want from you." 

About to snap out a sarcastic answer, Mokuba looked at Seto's face carefully, closing his mouth as he did so. Fear, anger, frustration, impatience, and an odd softness that Mokuba had never seen directed towards him were all written across the older boy's visage.  

Mokuba pressed a finger to his lips, lost in thought as to how best to approach the subject. He finally looked up at his brother, his eyes empty of expression. "Who are they?"

"They?" Seto asked, looking perplexed. 

"The male, female, or genderless entity that has captured your attention so fully these past few weeks," Mokuba elucidated. "Let's start with gender, or lack thereof. We can go to names next. Well?" he prompted. 

"Male," Seto said after a pause. 

"Good. Girls are annoying," Mokuba said with a quick nod and half-smile. "And if it were genderless, that would be...well, it'd be interesting. Now. Names?" 

"Er," Seto stated, turning an odd shade of greenish-puce. 

Mokuba pulled his knees up to his chest casually, wrapping his arms around his shins. "We'll skip that for now," he said swiftly. "So, tell me about him. How do you want to go about courting him?"

"I don't," Seto replied. 

Mokuba blinked. "For God's sake, you've dated boys before." 

"That's not it," Seto answered. 

"Well, then what is it?" Mokuba inquired. 

"The fact that I can't stand him!" Seto shot back. 

"Wait a minute," Mokuba said, getting up. "You like him but you hate him." 

"Not quite," Seto answered. 

"You want his body but you hate him," Mokuba translated. 

Seto made a face. "Kind of." 

"So, do you want him or not?" Mokuba demanded. 

"No!" 

"Then what's your problem?" Mokuba asked. 

"I want to stop wanting him!" Seto wailed. 

Mokuba frowned. Then he started pacing back and forth in front of Seto. "So there's this hot guy." 

Seto nodded. 

"And you know you're pretty good at seducing, whether it be male or female," Mokuba continued. 

Seto flushed. "That is not the sort of thing you should know about, otouto!" 

Mokuba turned to him and raised one eyebrow briefly before continuing to pace. "You're not exactly a quiet person, niisama." 

Seto wondered if it was possible to die from embarrassment. If so, his brother would make an excellent murderer. "Shut up!" he squeaked. 

Mokuba simply kept pacing. "So that's an affirmative as well. Also, you're not the type of person to keep a relationship going for more than two months, maximum. Not at this stage in your life. Am I correct, or am I totally and utterly off?" 

"You're correct," Seto said dully. "Oh, and Mokuba?" 

"Yes, niisama?" 

"No matter what I tell you, disregard every order for you to play with my mind," Seto said bitterly. 

Mokuba looked at him with wide, innocent eyes. "But I'm not done yet." 

Seto sighed and dropped his head into his hands.  

"Anyway. So you agree that if you wanted to, you'd be busily charming this person to your side," Mokuba said blithely. 

"I thought we'd already been over this," Seto complained. 

"So if the only thing going for them is looks, and you don't want them for that, then why the hell did you ever consider them? Why, for that matter, are you still considering them?" 

"I don't know," Seto said, his voice muffled by his fingers. "I honestly don't know." 

"Well, look, niisama. Do you want my help or not?" Mokuba said. 

Seto thought about it. True, Mokuba was being rather the little crosspatch these days. However, he was obviously going to be more coolheaded than he was, and equally obviously capable of manipulating anyone into doing what he wanted without any serious effort. The benefits of having his little brother along for the ride vastly outweighed any teenage rebellion that might occur along the way. "Yes. I want your help very much." 

"Then you're going to have to give me more to work with," Mokuba said decisively. "And that means names." 

"Later. Anything else you need to know?" Seto inquired. 

Mokuba thought. If Seto was concealing the name, then obviously he wanted to keep something hidden from Mokuba--namely, something that Mokuba would find significant. Therefore, it was a safe bet that he knew the person in question. He refused to speculate further at the moment and instead turned his thoughts to what else he would want to know. "Where can I find them?" 

"I'm not sure anymore," Seto said. "They used to be at the Kame Game Shop frequently," he said unwillingly. 

"And it's my guess as to why they don't go there anymore, is that it?" Mokuba said. "It's no use in hiding names anymore. Honestly, it's actually probably worse for you to be hiding names than it is for you to tell me straight out. I mean, there's a lot of really nasty possibilities running through my mind, and I'd like to have at least ten of them canceled out by your information." 

"It's going to be the worst one you ever thought of," Seto warned. 

"Then that's about..." Mokuba made a show of thinking, again pressing a finger to his lips. "Um. That knocks out fourteen really scary possibilities. There's also about four less-freaky-but-still-disturbing ones that you've eliminated." 

Seto stared at him. "How many creepy guys do you know who go to the Kame Game Shop?"

"Apparently a lot more than you do," Mokuba said carelessly. 

"Before I answer, I have a question for you," Seto said.  

"Well, damn," Mokuba replied. 

"You're not straight, are you?" Seto asked. 

"Indeed not," Mokuba replied. "Partially your fault, I'm sure," he added, watching Seto's reaction amusedly. "The circumstances in which you found yourself telling me about...ah...stuff certainly have given me a much...broader outlook on life." 

Seto turned vaguely purplish. "I can't believe you're still bringing that up!" 

"I was nine, for chrissakes!" Mokuba said. "I didn't even know you could do it with girls until a year later!" 

Seto curled one hand into a fist and began smacking it on his forehead. "We didn't go all the way." 

"No, you waited until I was eleven for that. And didn't warn me about your plans for that couch," Mokuba said amusedly. 

"Is that why you got it changed?" Seto demanded. 

"I just got it reupholstered," Mokuba said dismissively. "You're dodging the point. Effectively, but not without causing easy observation of your tactic. Name?" 

Seto looked up, glaring at Mokuba through his screen of fingers defiantly. "Katsuya." 

"Jounouchi Katsuya"" Mokuba said, stopping and turning back to him. "Oh, good." 

"What?" Seto asked disbelievingly. 

Mokuba started pacing again as he ticked off points on his fingers. "First, we don't have to have the requisite argument about whether or not he _is_ hot. Second, he's your age, so you're not doing the pedophile thing. Third, I didn't even consider him in my list of creepy guys. He's harmless. A bit touched, but harmless. Come on, how bad can friends of Yuugi-kun be" They're all basically the same." 

"But I don't want him!" Seto protested. 

"Don't you?" Mokuba inquired. 

Seto thought about it. "Yes. But honestly, it's like...I spend all this time telling him I hate him, then just turn around and seduce him?"

"You may have a point there," Mokuba admitted. "But frankly, I don't like it. Or I do. I'm not sure." 

Seto watched silently as Mokuba kept pacing. It was an odd habit and he'd had no idea from where his brother had picked it up. It always made him feel slightly cheated. 

"You like him, but you don't want to," Mokuba said. Seto considered making a snarky retort, then realized that Mokuba wasn't listening to him. "He...likes you? Dislikes you?" 

"I haven't seen him lately," Seto said. "Not in a long time. He's been kind of laying low, I think." 

"So he does like you. And you like him. Both of you like each other a good deal," Mokuba said. "And you don't want to like each other. I don't think this could work out. Or it could, but you'd have to work at it together, and I can't see you doing that. You're the type to chase, and so is he. You'd chase each other around in circles until one of you gave up. 

Amusing as that would be, and I will certainly help you if you try it, I can't see you conceding to it...especially when you're uncertain as to whether or not you'll go after him. But still…there's something." 

"Exactly," Seto said, feeling relieved. 

"I think I'm going to need to make a flowchart," Mokuba said thoughtfully. 

"Why don't you just go with that I don't like him?" Seto asked testily. 

"I will," Mokuba said vaguely. "Now what are we going to do?" 

"I am going to go upstairs," Seto said, rising. "And I'm going to go online for a few hours." 

"You mean all night?" Mokuba asked. 

"Quite," Seto said as he moved to the door. He rattled the handle, then cursed. "Dammit! I locked the doors," he complained, feeling for the key. "Why aren't these the kind that open from the inside" What do you think about getting them—Mokuba?" 

One of the windows was ajar. Seto went over and looked out. "Damn that kid," he muttered. "I thought I told him to stop jumping out windows." 

* 

"He likes me? Oh my God!" 

Mai burst out laughing. "You have no idea how girly you sounded. Also, how in some other context, that could be taken in a way that is rather detrimental to your plans." 

Jounouchi turned bright red and put his head down on the table next to his coffee. 

"Don't do that, you don't know how long it's been since they cleaned the tables!" the redhead from before called over. 

Jounouchi groaned and sat up with alacrity. 

Mai smiled and waved the girl over. "Come over here for a minute. You too," she added to the girl's friend. 

They both looked cautiously at the somnolent cashier, then helped themselves to shots of espresso and moved down along the bar. 

"Is this another session of the Love Doctor thing?" the boy asked, pushing an espresso shot over to Jounouchi. 

"Yes," Mai said. 

"Can't help you there," the boy said rapidly, slamming down his espresso. 

"Doesn't that hurt?" Jounouchi asked curiously. 

"Nah," the boy said. "You're avoiding hooking up with Kaiba-sempai? Curious." 

"What is?" Jounouchi asked. 

"Let me introduce us first," the girl broke in. "I'm Tanako Lupita. He's Shigame Ruoko. We seem to have been included in the proceedings. Isn't this the sort of thing you want private?" she inquired. 

"You heard us a few days ago and you were laughing your arses off while we played that recording of what happened today. You're included," Mai said decisively. 

"Can you help me?" 

"No," Ruoko informed him. "Drink your espresso." 

"Yes," Lupita said at the same time. "I think perhaps we can. Ruoko-kun," she said warningly when he started to ignore the party. "We can, you know." 

"How?" Ruoko asked. 

"Yes, hang on, how?" Jounouchi asked. 

Mai and Lupita both looked at them like they were insane. "Having two girls is better than having only one," Mai said, as though this were obvious. "Certainly that's logical." 

Ruoko and Jounouchi both looked somewhat startled and irked. "That's it?" Ruoko asked. 

"Yes," Lupita replied. "That is." 

"What do you want to do now?" Mai asked Jounouchi. 

Jounouchi blinked. "I...want to think for a while." 

"Why?" Mai asked. 

"He likes me..." 

Lupita and Mai looked at each other. "Makes sense," Mai said. "I'll give you a lift. You're not walking." 

"We'll be here whenever you come back," Ruoko said, eyeing Lupita's as-yet-untouched espresso. 

"Bad Ruoko-kun. Mine," Lupita said, moving her espresso protectively. "C'mon, let's go back to the machine." 

Ruoko nodded and the two scooted back over. 

"Ruoko-kun?" 

"Yeah?" 

"What did you mean by 'curious'?" Lupita asked. 

Ruoko smiled and said quietly, "Look at the farthest back table on your right, Lupita-chan." 

Lupita's eyes flicked back, then over to Ruoko. "I see. Curious indeed..."

%

Fluffy: Start making your guesses now as to what 'curious' means.

**Cola—**Yeah, we feel that way about Mai, too…

**QuickSilver****—**Wish granted. Be happy!

**Wodenschild****—**Apologies for the wait.

**YumeTakato****—**Again, Mai is vastly underrated. I aim to fix this.

**marthfan1102—** But…but…you could write your own fic, instead of sacrificing precious ideas for me!

**kimi**** no vanilla—**Ehem. Yes. That was kind of the idea I was going for. *sweatdrop*

**SweetMisery****—**You've killed my Ferret!

**Psychopathic Sixth Grader—**Aww, thanks!

**Yukoma****—**And thank _you_ too!

**Liviana****—**Dingdingding! You win! Um. You were the only entrant, so um…I wanna write you a fic or something. And you get a cameo. Email me at koneko_neko@kittymail.com and we'll talk, yes?

**VectorΧ****—**There's so many better ones, though. Check my fave authors and be impressed!

**ani05tersrVIP—**Heh, mind the pairing assumptions. ^_~ I like to play with people's heads and get myself into trouble. Much trouble.

Duel: Ahem. *brandishes the Stick in one hand and the Ferret in the other* You know what to do. And you know the cost. Ignore me at your peril. Love the purple button. Worship the purple button. It is an incarnation of Me. Now GO, LITTLE MORTALS!


	4. In Which Katsuya Jounouchi Relaxes

Fate: Huzzah, here it is, I'm going to go whimper and die now, for I am in pain. Actually, I'm going to do homework, then try and write an outline for Gift Unto Me A Soul. I feel like writing out some femmeslash.

Disclaimer: Not ours. Toss off.

&

Mai sat at her vanity table, applying makeup mechanically as her mind raced. 

_I don't even know why I'm doing this anymore,_ she reflected. _I want to help Jounouchi, but...I don't know anymore. I mean, I don't even understand why he came to me. Me of all people..._

She tried to remember the last time she'd seen him before this latest development, and failed. It hadn't been a dramatic parting. It had just been an everyday occurrence, two friends spending time together. Nothing to be remembered. Nothing to be cherished. There was no drama in it.

Nothing out of the ordinary at all.

She made a face at herself in the mirror, her makeup half-on and slightly smudged. _Forget it. Forget it forget it forget it. I'm going out to party tonight._

She sighed decisively and picked up her cell phone. "Ruri-chan? It's me." She smiled. "Of course I'm the only one who'd call this late. Look, I'm going out. Do you want to come? I'd like company." Pause. "Ohhh, you're going somewhere with Yonmu, are you?" A smile broke across her face. "Nothing special, eh? Just you and Yonmu...alone...not going out with your beautiful university friend instead..." Mai held the phone away from her ear as Ruri shrieked at her. "Go out and have fun with Yonmu-san then," Mai drawled. "And give me details when you get back. No fair leaving me in the dark like this. Yeah. Uh huh. Now go! Love you, babe." She clicked the phone off and slumped back in her chair. "Great. Ruri and Yonmu going out. Together. Without me. I feel so damn loved." She glared at her reflection. "Good for Ruri-chan though...but now who am I going to go with? I'm not going to that side of Domino by myself. I'm not stupid. Now who...?"

She stared at herself in the mirror again. "No way. He'll think I'm crazy. Then again, you never really know..."

She picked up her phone and dialed again, more hesitatingly this time. "Hello? Yes...it's me. I'm going out tonight. Do you...want to come?"

Halfway across town, Jounouchi quickly prised open a window and vaulted out in order to have a phone conversation in relative secrecy. "Go out where?"

"Club Ichigeki," Mai said. "I'm bored and I want out. You seem like you could use a stress reliever. Considered getting laid?"

Jounouchi turned a becoming shade of puce and just barely refrained from beating his head on the nearby wall. "Stress reliever. Right. I'll go. When? Where?"

Mai blinked. "I'll pick you up at the coffee shop in a bit. Sound good?"

Jounouchi looked back up at his window. He was pretty sure his party clothes were still there. "Sounds good. I'll be sneaking out and all, so give me a little time."

"I'll see you then," Mai told him and hung up. She then began reapplying makeup with renewed vigor.

Meanwhile, Jounouchi climbed back into his window and threw the phone onto his bed. He then began rooting around under the desk for his PVC clothes and glitter. He stuffed himself into his clothes as quietly as possible, then dumped gold glitter over his head, rubbing it into his hair and skin. He then climbed back out the window, throwing his shoes down ahead of him, and trotted off down the road, ducking under his father's window and praying he wouldn't get caught.

*

Mai sat at the counter next to Lupita and Ruoko as they regarded the cashier with some amazement.

"Does she ever wake up?" Mai finally asked.

"No," Lupita told her. "She never does. I sometimes wonder if she's alive."

"Are you going out on a date with someone tonight?" Lupita asked.

"I wish," Mai replied, poking her clothes. "I'm dragging Jounouchi-san out to relax. I wanted to go out with my friends, but they're going to be making sheep-eyes at each other, so I passed on that one."

"Isn't Jounouchi-san your friend too?" Lupita asked.

Mai blinked. "Yes...a very old one. But we kind of lost touch with each other until lately."

"I see," Lupita said.

"I don't," Ruoko complained. 

Mai pulled her deck out and slapped it on the counter. "Does this help?"

"You're a duelist!" Ruoko said in some astonishment. "Then you're _the_ Mai Kujaku?"

"And he's _the _Katsuya Jounouchi," Mai finished.

"This clarifies matters," Lupita said. "Such as how Kaiba-sama knows him."

"Apparently they were enrolled in the same high school," Mai told them. "But anyway, would you two like to come out with us?"

Lupita and Ruoko looked at each other. "We could get trashed," Lupita said thoughtfully.

"And get laid," Ruoko added.

"And do something other than drink cheap espresso all night," Lupita finished. "We'll meet you there. Where are you going?"

"Club Ichigeki," Mai told them smugly.

"Sounds good," Lupita said, pushing away from the counter. "We'll be off, then?"

"Sure," Mai said, sitting back. "Jounouchi-san should be here soon."

"Isn't that him?" Ruoko asked, swiveling around and staring at something outside the glass doors.

The door swung open, and a PVC-and-fishnet clad form dusted in glimmering gold wandered in. "Mai-san?"

Ruoko whistled. "D'you think he'd stop lusting after Kaiba-sempai if I—"

"Coming," Mai said, cutting him off and shooting him a warning glare. She couldn't quite figure out why. "I'll see you two there, then," she added over her shoulder.

"Bye!" Lupita said, following them out and then hooking a right towards her car. "Ruoko-kun, let's _go!"_

"Coming, coming," Ruoko grumbled, nudging past her and climbing into the car.

"Well, that was a spectacle and a half," Jounouchi muttered. "So do I look okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Mai said, glancing at him quickly before stuffing herself into the driver's side of her Bug. "You look great."

Jounouchi was quiet for most of the drive, aside from slight whimpering noises when she did a 360 in the middle of the freeway to avoid crashing into another car or ten.

"So what prompted this?" Jounouchi finally asked as they purred into the parking lot and stopped with a violent screech. 

"I was bored," Mai said simply, oozing out of the car and sashaying along the sidewalk. She cut the medium-sized line and walked up to the bouncer. "Now be a luv and let us in," she murmured, drawing one hand across the bouncer's collarbone.

"You little flirt," the bouncer replied, shrugging her hand off playfully. "Go on in, you know you can these days. Who's _that?"_

"Don't you have a line to attend to?" Mai asked, reaching out and taking hold of Jounouchi's fishnet-clad arm. "We'll be going now."

"Hey, it's not everyday your favorite blonde shows up dragging a hot boy covered in glitter," the bouncer complained as they swept past.

Jounouchi grimaced. "Seriously, how do I look? And actually look at me this time."

Mai actually looked this time.

Jounouchi was shifting nervously from side to side in clingy PVC pants, with combat boots strapped halfway up his calves and dusted in stray gold glitter. He wore a longish fishnet shirt with black hems, also well dotted with glitter. Of course, the most glitter had collected in his hair and eyelashes. He fit in with the rest of the club. He matched Mai, in her leather bustier and miniscule strip of cloth that could be generously termed a skirt, with long, fishnet-clad legs encased in high-heeled leather boots extending from it. 

He was drop-dead gorgeous.

Mai smiled. "You'll pass."

Jounouchi smiled back. "Thanks, Mai-san."

"Mai-chan," she corrected him.

Jounouchi blinked.

"Well, we're friends still, right?" Mai asked.

Comprehension showed in Jounouchi's eyes. "Mai-chan, then. I'm going to go dance," he said, looking out at the mass of writhing bodies. "Coming?"

"Not yet," Mai told him. "You go have fun."

"All right," Jounouchi agreed, and took off.

Mai turned and headed around the edge of the dancing crowd, the beat pulsing through her shoes. She almost immediately ran into someone, as was the law of all clubs on the face of the earth.

"I'm sorry," she said, stepping back and looking at the person she'd run into.

He was small and wiry, with dark hair falling down around big gray eyes and hanging nearly to his waist. He looked her up and down slowly, then smiled at her. "Well," he said simply.

Mai raised one eyebrow. "Aren't you a little young to be here?" The boy couldn't have been more than fifteen. 

"Yes," he said simply. "If you'll excuse me." With that, he brushed past her and vanished into the dancing crowd.

Mai stared after him._ Where have I seen him before...?_

*

Jounouchi danced, glimmering hair flying around his eyes as he moved. 

_I lust after him...but I don't love him. I...couldn't love him. His love is reserved for himself, and maybe that little brother of his. I couldn't...I couldn't stand to love someone who didn't love me. I couldn't stand to be his toy out of unrequited love. And that...that's why I can't do this._

_Shizuka...you were right. I thought you were being silly, but you were right. I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart,_ he thought, tossing his head back in the desperate hopes that these thoughts would fly away. _I come across all tough and wish that it was what I was, heart and soul, but I'm not and never will be. Dammit..._

He kept moving, light reflecting off of PVC and glitter in dazzling flashes, trying to dance away his very thoughts. 

_I wouldn't worry about it if someone loved me._

Suddenly cold, he kept dancing, but it felt abruptly alien.

_...of course I'd worry if someone loved me! I'd feel like I was betraying them, I'd feel like...like..._

His eyes slid closed in resignation. _I wouldn't feel like I had to cling to the first feelings of true desire I'd ever had, not just porn-induced teenage lust. I'm...I'm barely even a teenager now..._

"Hey gorgeous," a voice breathed in his ear. Jounouchi's eyes snapped open and he looked around, startled.

Mai smiled at him. "Seemed like the only way to get your attention. Lupita and Ruoko are both here, but they're glued to the bar and each other. Want to dance some more, or do you want to go drown your troubles?"

Jounouchi thought about it. "What are you doing?"

"Dancing," Mai said. "I'm driving. I don't want to mar my perfect record. Oh, stop laughing," she added irritably.

"I'll stay out here then," Jounouchi said. "Why did we invite them along?"

"Because they need to get out more, just like you," Mai said.

"What is this, your charity night?"

"Something like that. It isn't every night I take out random strangers from coffee shops," Mai said dismissively.

"What about me? Am I a random stranger from a coffee shop?" Jounouchi found himself asking.

Mai looked at him, one eyebrow raised. "No. So are you going to dance, or are you going to ask more questions?"

As the DJ began mixing the track into another song, Jounouchi grinned at her. "I got a question. Hey gorgeous, wanna dance?"

Mai grinned back at him. "Now is that how you ask a lady to dance, Jounouchi-san?"

"Jounouchi-kun," he told her.

"Eh?"

"Jounouchi-kun," he repeated. "No need for 'san'. We're friends. And we're dancing," he added, grabbing her and pulling her deeper into the crush of bodies.

Mai laughed softly. _I should take out old friends more often...because it seems that no one but them knows how to treat a girl right._

&

Fluffy: There ya go! See, we did it just like we promised!

**kitten – ***blushes* Aww. Thank you.

**Psychopathic Sixth Grader – **Thanks a bunch! Jounouchi and Mai are so neglected that they usually don't get fics of their own...just are given a token mention once or twice in other fics...and I'm guilty of this too. So...further the Jou and Mai love!

**Schizothief – **Ahahaha...calm...calm...ooh, trophy-maker? Would it be shiny?

Duel: Y'know, we had more people review this thing last time. WHAT THE DEUCE HAPPENED TO YOU LOT? GET BACK HERE!


	5. In Which Mai Kujaku Thinks A Lot

Fate: Do0t. I've started **Yadonushi**, but that computer's being used to watch Hellsing. Prettypretty Hellsing. Prettypretty Integra. *pets Integra* Yeah, so we're on episode 12 of that, so we'll...uh...yeah. 'Bout that. Yeah. Work on it later. We'll start the next IoV chapter while we wait. Sound good to y'all? Great.

Disclaimer: La! Yu-Gi-Oh is not ours. Nor are the snatches of song towards the end, as Mai is listening to the radio. Those belong to the Goo Goo Dolls, who Fate discovered through Lady Yami Bakura, who is a goddess. Ruoko and Lupita are, however, ours. Now continue!

* * *

"We're back!"

Ruoko looked up, then poked Lupita as Mai and Jounouchi both flopped down at their table. "What happened to you?"

"Turned into a right mosh pit," Mai said, rubbing her upper arm ruefully. 

"I like mosh pits," Lupita said, finally looking intrigued.

"Actually, since we're all here and relatively sober – are you relatively sober?"

Ruoko turned a strange shade of puce. Lupita examined her nails. 

"You weren't wearing lipstick when we got here," Mai finally noted, pointing at Ruoko. "Nice attempt to make it look natural. Anyway, it's good that you're still not quite smashed yet. I vote we make plans."

"What kind of plans?" Jounouchi asked nervously.

"Well, do you want to be hooked up with Seto Kaiba?" Mai inquired.

"No!"

"Well, then, either we find you a boyfriend or something – "

"I'll take girlfriends too," Jounouchi said wistfully.

"Well, either we find you someone to shag, or we find_ him_ someone to shag. You seem to be the more honorable of the pair, so if we only find_ you_ a pretty-boy or girl, then he might still randomly seduce you one day. So we'll leave that as Plan B, and go on to Plan A: find Seto Kaiba a sex-toy!" Mai announced triumphantly.

"Are we talking human sex toy or Frederick's of Hollywood sex toy?" Lupita inquired.

"Do they sell sex toys? I thought they just did sexy knickers," Mai replied, startled. 

Lupita shrugged. "Dunno. I've never been. But you get the idea."

"This doesn't sound like a good idea," Ruoko said after a pause.

"Thank you," Jounouchi told him.

"And just why is that?" Lupita demanded.

"...because it's bloody ridiculous?" Ruoko suggested.

"Che," Mai said. "There is that."

"Well, look, we have to try something," Lupita told him, exasperated. "If not...well, I don't know! What else can we do, watch them mope over each other and hate each other simultaneously? If they don't want to date, then obviously they need _something. _So. Who's eligible?"

"What do you mean, eligible?" Jounouchi asked suspiciously.

"Who do you know who would date Seto Kaiba?" Lupita inquired.

Ruoko stuck his hand into the air and waved it around. "Me!"

Lupita smacked his hand down. "No, Ruoko. Kun," she added as a belated afterthought. 

Mai snickered. 

"Yeah, about that, no," Jounouchi said. "I've been attacked by psychotic people enough in my lifetime. I'd rather not go through another assault, yes?"

"Good plan," Mai agreed.

"Psychotic people?" Ruoko inquired.

"Battle City ring a bell for you people?" Jounouchi asked.

"Oh, right, you're _duelists._ I keep forgetting that you're _famous._"

"We are?" Jounouchi asked.

"You have to be kidding me, of course we are," Mai said. "You and me, Mutou-san, Kaiba-sama, Otogi-sama, Anzu-chan, the Ishtars and Bakura, all of those people...we're not so easily forgotten. And isn't Kaiba-sama doing something new...something special? Something that's got the dueling started again?" She grinned. "I'm upgrading. Are you?"

"I guess I should start," Jounouchi said, surprised. "Since I've been out of the loop for so long, I...didn't know."

"Your creepy albino friend's been lurking," Mai said. "And that Egyptian blonde, Otogi and his dice, Mutou and his spirit, and Kaiba-sama's pulling the strings."

"Don't talk that way about Bakura-kun," Jounouchi said defensively.

"Sorry. He still scares me," Mai said dismissively.

"He scares everyone," Jounouchi retorted. "He's partially a raving psychopath, and partially the sweetest person you'll ever meet."

"Maybe we should hook _him_ up with Kaiba-sama," Mai mused.

"His yami would tear your throat out," Jounouchi informed her. "They're kind of...together."

"Are they cute together?" Lupita asked.

Jounouchi rolled his eyes. "If you like seeing pale, skinny, floofy-haired identical twins hanging off each other or beating the crap out of each other at random intervals, then they're absolutely adorable. Like kittens and puppies. Personally, I think they're damn freaky, but who am I to talk?" He slumped to the table and buried his face in his arms. "Lusting after Seto fuckin' Kaiba...now who's the freak..."

"Can I meet your freaky friends?" Lupita asked.

"_No,_ Lupita," Ruoko said firmly. He blinked. "Chan."

Jounouchi snickered.

"Oh, out with it," Mai said. "Good for you both. Everyone's happy. What about Jounouchi-kun, here?"

"S-sorry," Ruoko stammered. "Someone to get Kaiba-sama with?"

"I like the white-haired freaks for this," Lupita said.

"You have got to be kidding me," Jounouchi deadpanned.

"I'm not. Sounds like Kaiba-sama's just looking for a quick fix in between big projects," Lupita said. "Why waste you on that when there's a perfectly good kid out there who can definitely defend himself, from the sound of it?"

"...No. Just no," Jounouchi insisted.

"Oh, come on, it's him or you," Ruoko told him.

"No it's not!"

"He'll thank you for it later!" Lupita tried.

"Now you're just getting weird," Jounouchi retorted.

"How about asking him for help? You know, since he's a friend and all?" Mai inquired.

"He's one of those distant-like friends," Jounouchi retorted. "Like you, only I didn't know him very well in the first place. He was my next choice, if you refused."

"Well then," Mai said pointedly.

"...fine, fine, fine," Jounouchi said, digging out his cell phone from some strange place on his body. 

"Where exactly were you hiding that?" Lupita inquired.

"You probably don't want to know," Mai muttered as Jounouchi dialed.

"Hey...Bakura-kun? Yeah, it's me. Oh...around. Yeah. Kaiba and me? You heard? Oh God. Um. Um. Um. That's. Um. Why I'm calling. No, I'm not calling from his house and asking for a ride. Get your yami the hell off the phone. Tell him his mother was a rat whore and his father was a camel with mange. Yes, I am creative. I, um, called for a reason. ...oh. Yes. Well. Do, uh, you want to date Seto Kaiba?"

Jounouchi immediately held the phone away from his ear and winced. Less than a second later, the entire table could hear Ryou screaming, "_No, _I do _not!_ What the _hell?!_ Jesus! Ack, Yami, get _off!_ No! I'm not dating a fucking rich playboy! I'd rather _be_ a rich playboy! Shut _up_, Yami! Mmmph! Yam-meef!" There was a loud clattering noise, a very girly squeak, then Ryou apparently grabbed the phone back. "And that's a _no!_ Can I do anything else, Jounouchi-kun? _Anything?!"_

"Even just for a week or so?" Jounouchi wheedled. 

"_Nooooooooo!"_

Jounouchi winced. "Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry! Don't let your yami kill me! Wait, would your yami kill _him?_ That could work!"

"Hey, he's setting up a new dueling thing, don't kill him!" Mai called.

"Oh, right. New dueling thing," Jounouchi repeated. "Mai-chan said she saw you lurking. You're upgrading? Ohh...what'd you get?" He snorted. "You and your Earl of Demise. They have a new spin on the Ouija Board? God help us _all_." He sighed. "Uh huh. Yeah. So do you have any suggestions?" Pause. "I meant with Kaiba, but that works too. My Baby Dragon fucking works _fine_, and you know it! Yeah, well, you did jack shit on Duelist Kingdom. No, protesting that you were stuck in a card doesn't count. I don't buy it anyway. You were freakin' evil. Anyway, anything I can do about Kaiba?" Pause. "Waiting it out might not work. Mai-chan and Lupita-san say that he's trying to get laid in between projects. I am _not_ taking him to a whorehouse! Oh, shut it!"

Mai rolled her eyes. _Boys._

"So that's out," Jounouchi said after he got off the phone. "I still volunteer," Ruoko said after a pause. "Ow!" he added when Lupita smacked him. 

"That's also right out," Mai continued. "Look, boys and girls, we're not going to get anything else done tonight. The mosh pit is starting to infringe on our table. I'm heading out, as it's about five in the morning." 

"Can I get a ride?" Jounouchi jumped up. "Please?"

"You're asking to drive with me again," Mai said, shaking her head. "You're insane."

"...yeah, I guess," Jounouchi agreed with a shrug. "I'm not surprised."

"About what?" Mai inquired.

Jounouchi shrugged. "Nothin'. We going?"

"Yeah. Lupita-san?" Mai asked, looking back.

"Ah, we're going to stay," Lupita said. "We'll be seeing you...when we see you," she finished absently with a wave.

"Good night," Mai called as she and Jounouchi escaped the club.

"Ulp," Jounouchi announced on seeing her car.

"Oh, come on, you survived the ride up here with barely a complaint. What's going on?" Mai asked.

"Maybe it's being in an enclosed area with such a lovely woman that distracts me from all other things," Jounouchi suggested.

Mai gave him a skeptical look. 

"Or maybe I'm getting used to it?" Jounouchi added.

Again with the skeptical look.

"Well, honestly, what else can I say? I like fast cars?" Jounouchi demanded.

"Good enough," Mai agreed, and climbed in.

After dropping Jounouchi off, she sped back to her own house and staggered in through the door. The heat was starting to become unbearable as the sun began to rise.

"Nnng..." she whimpered as she wandered over to the air conditioner and gave it a couple shots with her fist. It turned back on with a sullen growl, spitting warm air at her face. 

Sighing, she stripped off her skirt and shirt, then dropped her knickers in a pile on the floor as she staggered into the shower. 

"So...hot..." she complained as she flicked the radio on and turned the water on to cold. 

_"He-ey, you never made it, now ain't that unusual! I'd love to be you...at least then I'd see you!"_

She made a face under the icy spray, then ducked her head under the shower head, reaching for the soap. She scrubbed at her skin and face, watching as the glitter and makeup sluiced off of her and down the drain. 

"Damn," she muttered, lowering herself to sit under the spray, knees drawn up to her chest. She pulled her hair over one shoulder so it wouldn't drag on the floor, then closed her eyes. _Better than any piece-of-shit air conditioner, and cheaper, too,_ she reflected. _Oh, what am I doing? Trying to hook up albino freaks and random coffee house boys with Kaiba to get him away from Jounouchi? I thought I'd forgotten this when I forgot him..._

She shook her head violently, standing back up with a flourish. _I never forgot him. I just wished I could. I _do_ like him. Always have. Always will. But...but I shouldn't have to deal with this. He'll find himself a nice boyfriend...wait, _is_ he gay? He...kind of protested us hooking him up with another boy..._ She sighed impatiently, then reluctantly turned the shower off as her fingers began to prune. She toweled herself off slowly, then reached for the lotion as she wandered through her apartment to sit in front of the A/C. The radio was still blasting, her multitude of speakers echoing through the apartment. She hummed along with the latest song as she rubbed lotion on her legs, examining the nail polish on her toes. _Oooh. Time for a new coat. I'm thinking blue._ She sighed. "This distraction thing? Not working," she told herself. "Time for a new plan for Jounouchi-kun...and time for a new plan for me."

She got up, tossed the lotion back in the basin, and tugged a shirt over her body. She then flopped back on the couch, her hair hanging to the floor, and stared at the ceiling. 

"I'm all out of ideas," she murmured. "Gawd, I need freaking Valium!" She rummaged through her purse and grabbed out the prescription bottle, then downed her dose. Rubbing at her eyes, she tossed the bottle across the room, and slumped back on the couch to await sleep.

_"So far away...so far away...so far away..."_ the radio wailed as her eyes drifted shut.

* * *

Fluffy: We couldn't help but poke at PM-sama's wonderful fic, _Fairydust._ ^_^;; We heart chyuu, PM-sama. No, really. Don't look at us like that! Nooooo! *scampers away*

**Kitten: **Heh, well, here it is.

**Sailor Epyon: **I feel flattered! ^_^

**Hotaru-Yuugijou:** I have much lub for your name. I'm glad you liked it!

**Liviana:** Hee! Not telling...and yes, they are. By the way, I owe you a oneshot fic, I do. Email me or IM me, it's all in my profile. *grin*

**schizothief: **Oooh, Oreos...and Shiny!Jounouchi is a lot of fun. Shiiiiiny. 

Duel: Ahem. That was better. But you can do even better than THAT. Really. ^_^


	6. In Which Mokuba Kaiba Lurks

Fate: Tra la! Livi has a cameo. This is the sort of thing that happens when you enter my halfassed contests.

Disclaimer: We don't own anything. Except maybe Lupita and Ruoko. You want them, ask first.

* * *

The next night, Mai was busily watching an infomercial on cat litter when the phone rang.

"Mai-chan? I...I need a favor," Jounouchi blurted before she could say hello.

She blinked. "What sort of favor?"

"I need a place to crash for the night," Jounouchi said hurriedly. "My dad's not in a good mood right now, and I'd rather not be wandering around at night."

"Where are you?" Mai inquired.

"I'm at one of the pay phones on the freeway," Jounouchi said, sounding miserable. "Yuugi-kun doesn't have a car and the bus doesn't run anywhere near his house, Honda's out of town, Anzu-chan can't have boys stay the night, and Bakura-kun isn't answering the phone."

"I'll come get you," Mai said, leaving the TV on and hurrying out the door. "I need some directions."

"You know the first rest stop after you leave Domino and head north? I'm there," Jounouchi said.

"Can you stay on the phone until I get there?" Mai inquired.

"I don't have any more change," Jounouchi replied.

"Call me back collect if you get kicked off," Mai ordered as she stomped on the gas and shot away down the street. It was ten minutes to the freeway, then five more to the rest stop. "Give me fifteen minutes and I'll be there," she promised. "How'd you get all the way out there?"

"I caught the bus, then got off at the first stop out of Domino," Jounouchi replied. "It wasn't actually a stop, but I figured I'd better get off before I wound up in Yodaiga."

"Good plan," Mai said wryly. "You didn't pay, did you?"

"Did it sound like I was actually in the bus? I wasn't," Jounouchi answered.

"Ah," Mai answered. "Once I pick you up, what do you want to do? Do you want to crash or do you want to go somewhere?"

"I'm not tired. I just need to get away from this rest stop. There's a biker eyeing me up," Jounouchi said apprehensively. "An eight-foot-tall behemoth of a biker."

"Thanks for the clarification," Mai answered.

"Well, there's another biker, but that one's the short, skinny, girly-looking one," Jounouchi replied.

"By the laws of nature, that's going to be the one to cause you more trouble," Mai deadpanned. "Let me ask you this. Have you been wearing a sign saying 'All men within a ten foot radius must be attracted to me!'?"

"No," Jounouchi said mournfully.

"Have you considered getting a haircut?"

"There's nothing wrong with my hair!" Jounouchi replied.

Mai thought about it. There really wasn't anything wrong with his hair. It suited him, even though it had gotten even longer since Battle City and was now curling over his shoulders haphazardly. "That's kind of my point," she finally said. "Being gorgeous isn't always an advantage, you know," she added.

She could practically hear Jounouchi thinking. "What do you mean?"

_...the boy's got a point. Mai, m'girl, what _are_ you thinking?_

"Well,_ I'm _gorgeous, and life isn't exactly roses," she said languidly. "I'll never get a traffic ticket, and I can always get my way, but having people falling for me wherever I go is something of an issue. If I wanted to wade through drool all the time, I'd buy wellies instead of stilettos," she divulged.

She glanced at herself in the rearview mirror, then looked away. _Never lie, just tell part of the truth, and it won't show in your eyes..._

Jounouchi snickered. "You said 'wellies'."

"Indeed I did. Let's not dwell on it," Mai shot back.

"Wellies."

"..."

"It's cute."

"..."

"I'm serious!"

"...can we move on now?"

"Oh, right," Jounouchi replied. "Wellies."

Mai laughed and stepped on the gas. It was only a few miles more to the freeway anyway, so it was like she was there already. Thus, the speed limits of the freeway were perfectly applicable. Right?

Cue the batting eyelashes.

"Crap, I'm out of time," Jounouchi said after a few seconds of mutual laughter. "I have to hang up."

"Ring me back collect," Mai ordered.

"_Can_ you ring cell phones collect?" Jounouchi inquired.

Mai thought about it. "Damn. Is the number on that pay phone?"

"Been scratched off for a long time, from what I can see," Jounouchi replied. "Oh, come on, I'll be fine on my own. I'm a big boy now. Nineteen and everything."

"When'd you turn nineteen?" Mai asked, startled.

"In a week, actually. I have to – " Click.

"Oh, hell," Mai muttered, putting her phone down. "Nineteen? Christ. It's been that long since we met?"

She swung onto the freeway at last, still calculating.

_I was nineteen when I got an invitation to the ultimate dueling tournament...nineteen when my world got screwed upside down and sideways. Damn, I'm old._

She smiled._ Twenty-one and calling myself 'old'. Never thought that would happen._

She pressed down on the accelerator, willing the universe to not screw around with her life any more for the rest of the night.

As if the universe_ ever_ listens.

Jounouchi paced back and forth in front of the phone booth, hoping to every god he could remember from Yami's curses as well as a few of his own pantheon, such as the Giant Cheeseburger In The Sky, that Mai would outdo her previous speeding record and show up any second now. Despite his protestations, he wasn't too happy with his situation. The bigger biker was_ definitely_ eyeing him up by then, the cashier in the rest area was having a long and involved conversation with the driver of the lone car parked on the other end of the lot, and the other biker had retreated behind one of the gas pumps and seemed to be just sitting there for no good reason.

Hoping against hope that no serial killers were hiding in the shadows to bite his toes off, he pushed off from the phone booth and crossed the lot, tentatively heading towards the smaller biker.

Who, of course, glanced back at him briefly, then leapt astride his bike, kicked it into life, and took off well before Jounouchi could even get within speaking distance.

"Jounouchi-kun!"

Jounouchi whirled to behold a black Bug idling behind him, with a very welcome blonde sitting behind the wheel. "You want out of here or not?"

"Coming, coming!" Gratefully fleeing to the passenger side, he was barely in the car before Mai stomped on the gas. "Yeep!"

"What were you doing?" Mai asked.

"That little biker kid was, like, hiding and staring at me," Jounouchi explained. "I wanted to go see who he was."

"That's not a very smart idea," Mai told him.

"I've been shot at, electrocuted, burned, beaten up, had my soul sucked out through my pores, drowned, turned into a Duel Monster, killed, resurrected, failed classes, and all sorts of other stuff," Jounouchi pointed out. "I'm not terribly worried."

Mai thought about it. "I understand completely."

_Heh. Of course she gets it,_ Jounouchi reflected. "So where are we going?"

"Coffee?" Mai suggested devilishly.

"You're on."

Five minutes of painfully quick motion later, the two slid into a parking space. Jounouchi wobbled out, followed by Mai.

"How did you get your license?" Jounouchi asked incredulously.

"I know when to practice restraint," Mai said loftily. "Good God, are they back?"

"That's them," Jounouchi replied. "A couple other people are there too. Busy night."

Mai grinned as they pushed the door open.

"Hello!" Lupita called. "You're back!"

Jounouchi nodded, his eyes flicking first to the dark-haired newcomer swinging her feet idly under the bar, then to the cashier. Who, of course, was not awake.

"She's going to get fired if she keeps that up," Jounouchi remarked, staring at the sleeper.

"Are either of us going to welsh?" Ruoko asked, tossing back his sixth espresso. "Not me."

"Not it," Lupita added.

The two looked at the new girl. The new girl blinked, then looked up. "Am I supposed to pay her?"

"How many drinks you had?" Lupita asked.

The girl thought. "Three mochas."

"Give her a thousand or so and help yourself to your next round. Customer service here is...lacking," Lupita finally divulged.

The girl immediately reached over the counter and started pressing buttons eagerly.

"Back table?" Mai asked softly.

Jounouchi nodded. _O Giant Cheeseburger, bless her and her kids and her grandkids and her pet cat and her air conditioner and...everything,_ he finished lamely, and quietly took off in that direction. Mai hung back for a minute, then joined him.

"Ruoko and Lupita refuse to leave the espresso for a minute, as though it might run away," Mai informed him. "I don't think you have to worry about privacy, to be honest."

Jounouchi pouted. "Let me pretend I have some secrets from the world," he said.

"Enough with the puppy dog eyes," Mai replied sternly. "Look, we need a new plan, and soon."

"I'm starting to feel like a project," Jounouchi muttered.

Mai looked up, confusion showing in her eyes. "...?"

"I mean, I know I asked for it, but everyone and their pet monkey is in on this thing," Jounouchi said dispiritedly.

"Not so," Mai said, raising one finger. "Your friends aren't, and that's the important thing."

"Bakura-kun – "

"A semi-hysterical phone call to a boy who you _know_ is taken pleading him to hook up with your crush is not the same as having this conversation with them," Mai told him.

"Oh. Er. Yes," Jounouchi muttered.

"Look, your next move should be to talk to your friends," Mai said. "I haven't seen you in over a year. You're going to need some help from someone closer."

"You don't think you're close enough?" Jounouchi blinked at Mai. "Mai-chan...?"

Mai put one hand to her forehead. "You and your group...you brought me out of my own self-inflicted hell. You know that. You saved me," she added gently. "But then it faded. After I woke up from Battle City, everything was changed. And suddenly I wasn't seeing you anymore."

_She's right,_ Jounouchi realized. _After Battle City, Kaiba's other creepy sibling monopolized everything, and she wasn't there for that...and then all that weirdness with Bakura...she missed that too...she didn't wake up for a while. She missed a whole chunk of her life because of us – because of _me_ – and then we just ditched her._

"I'm sorry."

"Eh?" Mai blinked.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I mean, you helped us out a lot, and then you got your soul yanked out your ears and eaten, and we...well, we weren't exactly helping you after that."

Mai smiled crookedly. "I'm a big girl, Jounouchi-kun. I'm twenty-one."

The door of the shop swung open with a jingle before Jounouchi could reply. Neither looked up, though.

The three at the counter all turned, however.

The dark-haired girl frowned slightly at the newcomer, then glanced at the pair in the corner with the same expression.

Lupita's eyes widened and she froze in the act of finger-combing out her hair.

Ruoko smirked behind his shot of espresso. "Omoshiroi, Lupita..."

The two girls looked at him. "Ee?" the dark-haired girl asked.

"You'll see," Lupita replied, her eyes softening into an almost predatory expression.

Back at the table, Jounouchi finally managed, "Well, what should we do? Find someone close to that..._thing_? Pay him off? I don't know! I'm out of ideas."

Mai seemed about to speak, then stopped, staring at Jounouchi.

"What?" Jounouchi asked.

"Turn around," Mai replied.

"Oh, no need to bother." There was the sound of squeaking vinyl, then a slender, dark-haired boy with large gray eyes walked around and put both palms on their table, leaning on it easily. "I suppose I'd better reintroduce myself, while we're renewing old acquaintances to save poor little Jounouchi from my scary, scary niisama. My name is Mokuba Kaiba."

* * *

Fluffy: Tee hee.

**Sailor Epyon:** I had fun writing it.

**Kitten:** Jounouchi's a creative person.

**Psychopathic Sixth Grader:** Sorry for the huge wait. 

**Inukko Metallium: **Eeep. I updated!

**Liviania:** Torikorosu is in the works. Mwa ha ha ha ha.

**TaleneIsMyYami:** Hee, thanks. Who's Talene? blink

Duel: We got more than one review from some people. It made us happy. Make us MORE HAPPY, though. One more review for Yadonushi, and we hit 100. We only have two on Beautiful Oblivion. Go back and reread Hatsugoori, or the Jinmirai trio, even. They've ALL BEEN REVAMPED. Please?


	7. In Which Katsuya Jounouchi Sleeps Over

Fate: Hee. Hee hee hee. This was fun. I'd forgotten how much fun this was, once you got into it. Off to do TDH!

Disclaimer: Not ours, not ours, you'll know who's whose. Well, except Ruoko and Lupita. They belong to us. Bwa ha ha ha ha. And Alice. Hurray for supporting characters.

* * *

Mai and Jounouchi both spent a good minute doing passable impersonations of goldfish. Behind them at the counter, Ruoko, Lupita, and the new girl were also trying out the goldfish look. The only two people not in on this new and cool style were the cashier, who was too asleep to be a goldfish, and Mokuba Kaiba, who was wearing too much leather and too creepy a smirk to be any sort of fish.

Well.

Maybe a piranha.

"Hmm," Mokuba said, sliding into the seat next to Mai. "All this attention is going to go to my poor teenaged head. Do I look all right for being watched by every bleeding person in this flipping coffee house?"

Mai looked at Mokuba thoughtfully, then patted him on the head after a pause for consideration. "Aww. Such a cutie," she announced to the world at large.

"You're not taking me seriously anymore," Mokuba pouted.

"Hon, you're fifteen. Granted, the slut look wears well on you, but you need a hairbrush like nobody's business," Mai informed him. "Now. You must be here because of Kaiba-sama, because I can hardly imagine that you're reviving close on nonexistent friendships from years past."

"Kujaku, you underestimate my charitable heart. That hurts me. Right here. In my clavicle." Mokuba tapped the affected area with a wince.

Jounouchi dropped his head to the table. "No wonder your brother's out to foff me, if this is what you're like at home."

"Oh no. I'm _much_ more manipulative with Seto-oniisama." Mokuba said teasingly. "We do love each other a good deal, but not like that, Jounouchi. Really, you make me sad. Now." Mokuba leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table. "Let's have a meeting of allies." He swivelled and waved energetically at the three sitting at the counter. "Come over here! Yes, you three!"

Ruoko, Lupita, and the new girl warily detached themselves from the bar, carting their drinks. The six squished around the circular booth that was meant to sit about four at best. Mai landed in Jounouchi's lap, the new girl managed to drape herself over the back of the circular bench most comfortably, and Ruoko and Lupita managed to fit themselves indecently close together. Mokuba managed to prop his feet up on the table without kicking over anyone's drinks, and the conversation continued.

"First things first. Who are you?" Lupita said, pointing at the new girl.

"Liviania," the new girl replied. "Who the hell are all of you?"

"A pack of loonies," Jounouchi muttered in Mai's ear.

Introductions were summarily made. The requisite "Yes, the _duelist_ (insert name here)" was uttered. Inquiries after the cashier revealed that none of the parties present admitted to drugging her, and a thousand would cover a few rounds to start. And yes, Jounouchi was trying to find his most hated nemesis someone to shag.

"There we can collaborate, Jounouchi," Mokuba said, putting up a finger officiously. "So if you'll all consider my plan – what? Seriously, what?"

"You're at least four years younger than any of us here," Jounouchi finally uttered. "How did you manage to gain control of this enclave?"

"Hmm. Let me think about that one. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I happen to be Seto Kaiba's brother in my spare time?"

Everyone paused to digest this fact.

"He's got a point," Lupita admitted. "Rightoh. So, Seto Kaiba's darling baby brother, let's hear your plan."

Mokuba grinned beatifically at them all. "So Seto wants to boink someone with long pretty blonde hair, big gold eyes, and...sizeable other aspects. We have one such person matching that description right at this table. Oddly enough, that's exactly who my brother fancies at this moment, allowing me to make my most accurate description. Well, I'm guessing on the last bit, because there's another voluptuous long-haired blonde with big eyes rather in the way."

"Oi," Mai said irritably.

Liviania buried her face in the vinyl cushions to muffle her snickering as Mokuba continued. "So either we get Jounouchi to do a one-night stand with my big brother – whom, I have been informed, is very – "

"GYAAAAAAH!" Jounouchi screeched. Mai went temporarily deaf and her hair flew about with the gust. Liviania toppled off the back of the booth and landed on the next table over. Ruoko and Lupita took advantage of the convenient opportunity to slide unnoticed under the table. Mokuba's hair stood on end. The cashier flopped off of her seat and landed on the floor.

"Does this happen often?" Liviania demanded, poking her head up over the back of the booth.

"I think she's carked it," Mokuba announced gloomily from the counter, glancing down at the unconscious salesgirl. He reached into one of his pockets and extracted another thousand yen. "For Charon's boat fare," he said, tossing it to the fallen cashier.

Lupita popped out from under the table, looking somewhat dishevelled. "Nah. She's just in a really deep sleep."

"That's what they said about the parrot," Mokuba muttered as he turned back to the table. "So that option is out. The next option is getting a Jounouchi lookalike!"

Everyone looked intrigued. Ruoko even glanced out from under the table to add to the intriguedness of the group.

"Where are you planning to get one of those?" Lupita demanded.

Mai swiveled in her makeshift seat to look directly at Jounouchi. A slow, evil grin spread across her face. "I think your albino nympho friends came up with the solution before we ever knew it was a problem."

Jounouchi rolled his eyes expressively and threw his head back, nearly hitting Liviania in the spleen. "Argh."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we need to find us a whorehouse," Mai said cheerfully. "And I think I know just the people to help us."

"Oh God. _More_ people?" Jounouchi wailed dramatically.

"More like people revisited," Mai replied. "I think a call to said albino nympho friends is in order."

"Oh. Okay then." Jounouchi hauled out his cell phone from some sneaky place and nearly got slapped by Mai. "Hey, hey, you were sitting on my phone! Ow! Eeeeep! I'm sorry! But – "

"Well, if you didn't _keep_ your phone there then – "

"Hello? Ryou? Bloody hell. Answering machine. Please be out of your house and not...you know. Um. You remember that whole thing...with the whorehouse...yeah. Um. We need to find...uh...me. Or a lookalike me. Or. Uh. Yeah." Jounouchi stuttered to a stop.

"Oh for the love of Ra," Mokuba said, sounding exasperated. He snapped the phone from Jounouchi's hand expertly and said, "Hello! We're looking for a boy, about one hundred ninety centimeters tall, longish floppy blonde hair, big limpid gold eyes, and...ahem. You see what I'm getting at. Reference Jounouchi should you need more information! Ja!" He hung up, tossed the phone back to Jounouchi, and sat back. "There. All set."

"You said 'for the love of Ra'," Ruoko observed.

"Indeed I did," Mokuba acquiesced. "Bad habit of mine. Battle City. Marik had quite the language problem. You should hear me when I get going."

"You know..." Liviania poked Mai. "You're about Jounouchi-san's height, and you've got the hair..."

Everyone stared at Mai's hair.

Then everyone stared about a foot and a half down, save for Jounouchi, as he was in a rather bad viewing position.

"Or not," Liviania stated.

"Don't even think about it," Mai warned Jounouchi.

"I'm purging my mind right now. Swear to God. Want to hand me a napkin before my nose bleeds all over your shirt?"

Mai rolled her eyes and complied. "See, these are the sacrifices I was talking about when I was explaining being gorgeous."

Jounouchi grinned behind a wad of rapidly reddening napkins.

Mai held out another wad to Mokuba. "Care for a napkin?"

"Sorry to disappoint, but I don't do the whole boobs thing," Mokuba explained.

"No disappointment at all," Mai assured him. "Anyone else? No? Well then. What do we do next, other than await a call from the creepy albino boys?"

"Coffee for the road?" Liviania wondered.

"On me. Help yourself," Mokuba said with an expressive wave. "I've got to hit the road myself. I've got some work to do for the new dueling...thing." He smiled mysteriously. "Nice to work with all of you. I'll be speaking with my brother presently about the replacement, Jounouchi. Fear not, I will name no names," he added to the others.

Lupita and Ruoko had already scurried back to the bar and were downing more espresso as though it were their lifeblood and they'd each been down a few pints.

"Shall we?" Mai asked, glancing around at Jounouchi. "Are you and your nose up to my car?"

"Of course," Jounouchi answered. "What do you take me for?"

Mai declined to answer. "Goodbye, all. This has been an enjoyable evening." With that, the two blondes left.

"Mocha." Liviania hopped back up to the bar as well and started filling a supersized cup. She glanced over the counter and stared at the fallen cashier. "Her name is Alice, or so says the nametag. Jeez, who _hired_ her?"

"I did," Mokuba announced from where he was lounging by the door. "KaibaCorp also backs real estate and a few shops downtown. It's useful for me, having this coffee shop as something of a meeting place at night. It seems I'm not the only one." He smirked at the two espresso addicts.

"Meeting, hell. We didn't do meetings until Jounouchi came in one night screaming like a banshee about Seto Kaiba," Lupita told him. "We're in it for the espresso."

"And for Seto Kaiba's fine body," Ruoko added.

Lupita considered this. "That too."

Everyone left conscious in the room found themselves agreeing. Except for Mokuba. Because that would have been scary.

Mwa ha ha ha ha.

"We're here," Mai sang out, unlocking her apartment door.

"Heeeeello," Jounouchi added, poking his head over her shoulder. "Any homicidal rapists? Child molesters? Hairy icky knuckle draggers?"

"I have an undead air conditioner," Mai told him, giving the aforementioned appliance a shot with her fist to get it started. "And I think I've got a non-hairy but certainly icky knuckle dragger in the back closet who's managed to use all my wax. Don't go in the back closet. I don't want to know."

Jounouchi looked disturbed. "I don't get the wax thing. I mean..._ow_."

"A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."

"I kind of get it now," Jounouchi amended, wandering over to stand in front of the air conditioner.

"Look, the best way to cool off is a cold shower." _And of course let's not forget their magical properties on the cooling of random lust attacks._ "I'm going to go take one. You mind?" Mai asked worriedly.

"I have second dibs," Jounouchi replied with an easy grin.

"Deal." Mai locked herself in the bathroom with a change of clothes, stripped, and dunked herself into the cold spray with a sigh of relief.

_Bad girl. _No_ hormone attacks over helpless, traumatized friend from past. _Bad_ Mai!_ With this mental beration as her new mantra, Mai clambered out of the shower after ten blessedly cool minutes and tugged on her clothes regardless of how damp her skin was.

"Anything good on?" she asked, idly spritzting detangler into her hair as she padded into her living room.

Jounouchi glanced up at her, then glanced away quickly, blushing. "Uh. X-Files is on in five minutes. It's a marathon."

"Nice. Do you mind if I pull out the couch bed?" Mai inquired.

"Couch beds are your friend," Jounouchi replied, standing and wobbling into the hallway. "And so are cold showers."

As soon as she heard the bathroom door close, she raced to her vanity mirror and took a look. Smudgy eye makeup. Lots of loopy curly hair hanging down everywhere. White overshirt rendered more or less see-through by wetness. Purple sports bra and clingy short-shorts preserving modesty. Not overall a bad picture. She wasn't classy, but she wasn't Our Lady of Trollopland, either. This was mostly because of her hair covering a good deal of her body, but she wasn't arguing. She definitely wasn't anywhere near terrifying, so Jounouchi's flight had been rather random. She shoved the thought to the back of her mind and turned her full mental powers to opening the couch bed, which would be a nightly ritual if she wasn't in the habit of watching TV on the couch until she fell unconscious after two or three consecutive all-nighters. Thus, she was somewhat out of practice. However, after falling on her ass a couple times, she managed to get the contraption out and relatively decent-looking.

She stood back and surveyed her handiwork. Clutter between the couch and the TV had been stuffed into the closet to make way for the foldout. Said foldout had been equipped with lavender velvet sheets and all the pillows that had formerly been on the floor in lieu of chairs. Lavender velvet wasn't great for muggy summer nights, but its other qualities outweighed practicality. Mai grabbed her bottle of lotion and flopped onto the bed, bouncing somewhat while she grabbed after the remote.

"It's channel 83. The X-Files, that is. Wanna see it?"

Mai twisted to get a good look at Jounouchi. "You need some other clothes? I'm awful, I should have asked you earlier."

"You have guy clothes?" Jounouchi asked, looking perplexed.

"Sort of." She vaulted off of the couch and rooted through the closet, then tossed first a pair of fishnetty cargo shorts, then a band shirt at Jounouchi. "These do?"

Jounouchi examined his clothes, then the handful he'd been given. "Better than a long sleeved shirt and jeans. Thanks a ton."

"Why the devil are you wearing those, anyway?" Mai asked as Jounouchi retreated to the bathroom to change.

"First thing I grabbed when I got up," Jounouchi called. "I was in a rush."

Mai winced. "I see." She flomped back over on the bed and clicked over to channel 83. Trading the remote for her lotion, she began working on her legs.

"Doesn't that take a while?" Jounouchi flopped next to her on the foldout. "Purple velvet. Cool."

"The lotion?" Mai asked. "Not really. I don't really notice it. I'm usually doing two things at once."

"X-Files and lotion. Now there's a new one on me," Jounouchi teased.

"'Chinga'," Mai read off the screen. "Seen this one?"

"Yeah. Possessed doll."

"And the giant lobster scene."

"Exactly," Jounouchi replied. "I'm still wondering how you eat one of those myself."

Mai switched legs and started work on her left thigh.

"Does that stuff have glitter in it?" Jounouchi inquired, looking fascinated.

"Yes," Mai replied, trying not to laugh.

"That is awesome," Jounouchi announced. "Glitter is the shit."

"Here," Mai found herself saying. "Try it."

"On my _legs?!_"

"No, you dimwit." Mai reached over and tugged a lock of his sopping wet hair. "Your face."

"Huh?"

"Oh, hold still," Mai said impatiently, gently commandeering Jounouchi's head and amusing herself by applying glittery lotion that was faintly scented with cherries. To a boy. Granted, it was a boy who could use a haircut and was a glitter fiend, but _still_.

Oh well.

"There," Mai said, swiping her fingers along his hairline. "Hey presto."

"Am I all glittery?" Jounouchi asked hopefully.

Mai grinned. "Yes."

"This is fun," Jounouchi announced. "We should have slumber parties more often."

"Yes. Yes, we should," Mai agreed as the two of them turned their attention to the X-Files.

_Though I wish I knew why he wouldn't look at me earlier..._

_Oh well._

* * *

Fluffy: Yo! Hee. Glitter. X-Files. Everyone needs to see the X-Files. Or at least read all the transcripts, just like us.

Oooh ooh, and the Plan starts to go into Action next chapter!

**Kitten:** Trying to come up with Jounouchi-ish expressions and such is fun. ;;

**Liviania:** Mweh-heh. Behold, you reappeared! :P I need supporting characters, dammit! I thought people would...y'know...ENTER the contest...and I'd have more. Not complaining though. ;;

**TaleneIsMyYami:** It's okay! Really. Scary yami, yours. Meep.

**SailorEpyon:** I'm having a lot of fun. Do you like it?

**Dark Maiden of the East:** Very few people look at Mai as anything but background. She's so cool! I lurve her, and the Jou-Mai chemistry is so overlooked. Lots of fun, this is.

**Shinnyu Kudzu:** stands aside Go forth and molest! My blessings and luck to you! I won't leave it unfinished. Promise.

**Pyschopathic Sixth Grader:** Isn't he?

**Lethe Seraph:** OO!! Wow. Lots of reviews. About the quotation mark-question mark thing. Back when I was basically writing my stories on one computer, emailing them to myself, and opening and sending them here on my roomie's computer, I'd send them in text format, so I lost everything formatted – dash marks, ellipses, italics, bold, and all my quotes, which were converted to question marks. So I changed all the question marks to quotation marks and then went through and tried to find all the questions. ;; Sorry. Times have changed and now I have an external floppy drive on USB, so I can directly transfer everything. Life is good.

Duel: Behold the reviews. DO AS THEY HAVE DONE! Go!


	8. In Which Seto Kaiba Is Manipulated

Fate: Look! A Solution appears! Mwa ha ha ha ha.

Disclaimer: Not ours. Anyone. Except Monique and Blaze. Monique will probably continue to show up anywhere the Kaiba mansion shows up. Blaze...well, he probably won't. Yeah. Moving on.

* * *

"Seto-niisamaaaaaa..."

Seto cracked open one eye. "Where have you been?"

"Aww, you were worried about me!" Mokuba plopped down next to his older brother, who had apparently fallen asleep on the couch while waiting for Mokuba to return. "I'm sorry for being gone so long. I thought I'd be back earlier." He let his head drop onto Seto's shoulder. "How long have you been waiting?"

Seto blinked somewhat blearily at the clock. "I wasn't waiting so much as I was working down here until you returned."

"Uh huh." Mokuba stole the file folder from his brother's lap and flipped it open to see the latest notes. "You inviting Yuugi-tachi to this thing?"

"Some yes, some no," Seto said meditatively.

"Yuugi-kun?"

"Yes."

"Honda?"

"Emphatically no."

"Otogi?"

"That psychopath? Maybe," Seto added.

"Hmm. Mazaki? Bakura? Kujaku?"

"No, totally raving mad so maybe, yes."

"Jounouchi?"

"...your point?"

"He _is_ good, isn't he?" Mokuba grinned. "And don't you want to see him?"

"He doesn't have one of those gold things and he's not internationally renowned. Would _you_ invite him?" Seto inquired.

Mokuba thought about it. "Would you prefer to invite Crawford? How about Ryuuzaki? Haga's internationally renowned. Do you want _him?_"

"Crawford's dead, Ryuuzaki is crazier than the white-haired psycho who offed Crawford, and Haga is internationally renowned more for the general idiocy and melodrama than his skills," Seto listed.

"Oh, do _not_ start playing with that Eye thing," Mokuba groaned. "Makes me feel like a bartering piece when you do that."

"Why all this interest in Jounouchi?" Seto inquired sharply.

"Oh, only that my darling niisama has taken quite a fancy to the boy, and I feel it's my duty to ensure the happiness of all involved. That, and I ran into Kujaku and Jounouchi about an hour ago," Mokuba added, examining his nails. "They're quite curious about the tournament. Oh, and it sounds like Bakura – both of them – are fascinated by the idea as well. They've been consulting him on finding you a replacement Jounouchi," he added blandly. "Apparently they think Bakura has some amount of knowledge of whorehouses."

Seto bit back a snicker. "That wimp? Granted, he's a very disturbed wimp, but he's still a wimp."

Mokuba shrugged. "It was mostly their idea. They've got quite a party going to try and figure out how to save their ikkle Jounouchi from your grasp."

"He hardly needs saving when I don't want him anyway," Seto said crisply.

"Don't you?" Mokuba asked. "You haven't gotten any in months. You've got a giant tournament coming up in three weeks. The announcements go out next Monday. We still have to get the landscape ready."

"The building's been fully furnished, right?" Seto asked.

"Done and done. I'm going out to check on it Sunday. With my Magnum to keep me company," Mokuba added with a smirk.

"Mokuba..."

"Haaaai, Seto-niisamaaaaa?" Cue the innocent look.

"You're not going to shoot anyone, are you?" Seto slanted his eyes sideways to his younger brother, then looked away quickly, trying to ignore the innocent look.

"Weeeelllll...what if they didn't do as you asked?" Mokuba asked.

"Then push them out the window," Seto retorted.

"That's been done, niisama," Mokuba answered. "By you, no less."

"Okay, push them out the first floor window. And make sure you open the window first," Seto added. "Unless you feel like replacing the window at the last minute."

"Hmm. It has its merits," Mokuba said thoughtfully.

"Seriously. You aren't _really_ going to shoot them?"

"As I recall, _you_ were the one who gave me my Magnum at the tender age of...what was it, nine?" Mokuba added.

"And then you were the one who started threatening to use it on your classmates unless they did as you asked. For four years straight."

"_I_ didn't cheat at chess with a grandmaster to get us adopted into _hell!"_

"_I_ didn't bribe the other kids into not beating me up with a gun rather than with the Kaiba name!"

"There _were_ no other kids," Mokuba pointed out. "This isn't the point, though."

"I find it entirely pointy."

Mokuba rolled his eyes. "The point is Jounouchi. Are you willing to accept a random blonde pretty-boy rather than the real thing?"

Seto gave this a good amount of thought. "Hmm."

"Hmm?"

"Yes, hmm. How random are we talking?" Seto demanded.

"There will be a screening process, of course," Mokuba said carelessly.

"This is all being kept strictly private," Seto added.

"Of course, niisama," Mokuba said, sitting up and flipping to a new page in the tournament plans. "Now. You need a good de-stressing before the tournament begins."

"You _really_ shouldn't know about this," Seto moaned.

"I know nothing," Mokuba said virtuously. "I merely want to find you some company. Take the boy out to a show or two. You know. Holding hands and the lot."

"Argh. Well, get on with it."

Mokuba smiled to himself vaguely. "Very well. I'll find you some companionship for the next week or so. Everything is more or less done at work until the tournament starts, so I believe I can handle what comes up."

"Does 'handling' fall under the realm of shooting people?" Seto asked.

"Oh, I have no wish to waste my bullets like that," Mokuba said, waving one hand expressively. "Now, if the gun were unloaded and people were under the impression that I _did_ want to waste my bullets on them..."

Seto snorted. "All right, all right. I place myself in your capable, gun-laden hands."

Mokuba hopped off the couch and tapped Seto on the nose. "Now _if_ you'll excuse me, niisama, I have a deck to upgrade."

"Oh, right, those cards you wanted? They're in your arena," Seto replied, poking Mokuba in the stomach. "How long has it been since you've had sleep?"

"I'll go to sleep once I'm done with the preliminary upgrade, I _promise,_" Mokuba said, wincing. He hugged the tournament folder to his torso as a makeshift shield and added, "You could use some sleep yourself, if your nights are going to be as busy as – "

_"Mokubaaaa!"_

"Meep!" Mokuba tossed the folder aside and bolted from the room. Seto easily overtook the shorter boy and tackled him, sending them both to the floor in a giggling heap.

The door near them opened. "Er," their young, blonde maid said, clutching her robe near her neck. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no," Mokuba gasped, fighting Seto off halfheartedly. "Go back to sleep, Moni."

"Er," Monique repeated, and shut the door.

"I think we scared her," Seto said between bouts of laughter.

"Uh huh," Mokuba agreed. "Gerroff."

"Yeah, yeah." Seto pushed himself to his feet and dragged the black-haired boy up as well. "Don't forget the folder."

"I won't," Mokuba called, going back into the front room. "Good night!"

"It's morning."

"...whatever."

[-]

"Goooood morning."

Mai squinted at the clock. "I think it's still morning."

"Mrr."

Mai sat up and reached for her comb in one motion. She started raking the teeth through her curls, then stopped. "Is that your phone?"

"Buh?" Jounouchi fell off the sofa bed and started scrabbling through his pile of stuff. "Er. Moshi moshi?" Beat. "Bakura-kun! Hello. You _what?_ Oh my god, you _know_ someone who – no, I do _not_ have a yami, thank you very much. No evil twins either. No brothers. I have a sister," he offered. "Were you there for the monkey thing? No, you weren't. Yeah. Did Otogi tell you? Oh. _Oh._ Uh huh. Um." Jounouchi's eyes narrowed. "Get off the line, dammit!" There was a burst of epithets from the other end. "Oh please, zombie-brains. Yeah, yeah. You're going to turn me into a doll again? Or is it a card this time? Or are you going to suck out my soul for your RPG game that you're actually not controlling? Uh huh. No, I did _not!_" Jounouchi flushed a rather deep shade of magenta. "Shut it! What, is he making you sleep on the couch?" Snicker. "Ooooh, _burn_. Bakura-kun, are you listening to this?"

Mai rolled her eyes and decided to grab a shower before things got any more ridiculous.

When she returned, she found Jounouchi eyeing the packets of instant ramen. "Healthfulness is overrated."

"Cheers," Jounouchi replied. "Shower's mine?"

"Indeed," Mai told him. "Are you_ still_ arguing with the evil albino freak?"

"Yes, she called you an evil albino freak. Hey, you can't talk to a lady like that!" Jounouchi whined into the phone. "Toss off!"

Mai held her hand out for the phone imperiously, her hair dripping all over the carpet. "Give it here and go take a shower."

"You're just so eager to get me naked. I am suddenly filled with warm fuzzy feelings," Jounouchi mocked as he left the room.

"Masochist," Mai called after him, tossing a wayward slipper in his direction. "Right, let's hear it."

A torrent of heavily accented and rather creative abuse came pouring forth from the phone. Mai quietly went over to her vanity table and started brushing extra conditioner into her hair while she waited for the speaker to wind down. She had finished with her hair, applied all her makeup and lotion, and had begun to contemplate taking out her deck for one last upgrade before the speaker finally shut up with a sort of muffled squeaky noise and a resounding crash.

Mai stared at the phone, then slowly put it back to her ear. "Hello?"

"What the fuck do you want, bitch? You're interrupting a snog session here, dammit!"

Fighting laughter, Mai started tapping her fingers on her vanity table. "Put your omote on the line."

"No. He's busy."

"Doing what?"

"Do you _want_ to know?"

"Shut up, Yami!"

Mai took the phone away from her ear, goggled at it momentarily, then put it back. "Anyone home?"

"Go away!"

Mai rolled her eyes. "Are you going to find us a Jounouchi lookalike or what?"

"You must have missed that bit," Ryou called from the background. "We already have. We just...kind of haven't asked him about the whole idea yet. We're going to ring you when we do."

Raising an eyebrow, Mai continued, "Then why is your foul-mouthed and deranged other half even talking to me, if this whole thing is resolved?"

There was a generally perplexed silence on the other end of the line.

"_Men_," Mai said expressively, hanging up.

"Yeah, what about us?" Jounouchi inquired, wandering into the room with a towel draped over his head.

"I didn't know anyone could curse like that," Mai replied wonderingly.

"Who, the nutty tomb robber?" Jounouchi rolled his eyes. "Try not to run into him in person too much. He gets even weirder."

"Do_ not_ tell me he's going to be at the tournament," Mai complained.

"Uh oh," Jounouchi replied, looking alarmed. "Forgot about that. Oh shit."

"Right then," Mai said briskly. "Let's get our priorities in order. We can hide from any number of scary people in the back room with my disturbing closet monster with the Nair fetish, pack you off to Kaiba-sama's in a taxi, or go elsewhere in search of food. You pick."

"I like food," Jounouchi replied. "The hiding in the closet bit is tempting, though."

"Be a bit crowded, what with the Nair fetish monster, you, me, and the vacuum cleaner," Mai speculated.

"Is this a scary drooly Nair fetish monster?" Jounouchi demanded.

"Probably."

"Eeeeeeewwww."

"Right. You need more clothes?" Mai asked.

Jounouchi glanced at his attire, then shook his head. "I have cash but no change. Used it all up last night."

Mai sorted through the mess on her vanity table and unearthed a handful of change and a couple bills. "Oooh. Didn't know I had this. Right, we're off." She grabbed a pair of shoes from the bin by the door and hopped into them, then clattered downstairs. Jounouchi attempted to put his shoes on as he walked down and nearly wound up braining himself.

"So where are we – oof, sorry," Jounouchi apologized, backing away from the person he'd run into. Then he did a double-take rather than finish the sentence. "What the...?"

The boy he'd nearly run down stared back. He was tall and slender, with a pale, pointed face, big gold eyes, and tousled blonde hair. "Holy..."

Mai whistled. "Dear God."

"Jounouchi-kun!"

All three blondes whirled to behold Ryou tearing along the street towards them. He skidded up to them and surveyed the stranger and Jounouchi for a minute. "I think we did good."

There was a muted gold flare, and a boy who was for all intents and purposes identical to Ryou except for minute differences (the eyes, the teeth, the general evil aura) appeared out of nowhere. "What the fuck is this, invasion of the twins?"

"Shut it for a minute," Ryou retorted, holding up one hand. "Blaze, this is the boy you're replacing in Kaiba-senpai's affections."

"Oooh, so it's_ you_ I have to thank?" Blaze said, his eyes widening. He grabbed Jounouchi's hand and hung on for a minute. "I love you. Eternally. Forever."

Jounouchi seemed to be only just restraining from having hysterics. Ryou and Mai were both staring at the spectacle with doom-laden expressions, and Bakura was laughing his ass off.

"Ahem," Ryou finally said, prising the two apart. "Jounouchi-kun, this is...Blaze. We kind of found him a few months ago."

"Where?" Mai asked.

"Er," Ryou spluttered. "Yami! Dammit, stop laughing!"

"We seem to be the only sane ones left," Mai said conspiratorially to him. "Hurrah. This brings back old memories."

"Oh, Lord," Ryou muttered, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I never want to think about Duelist Kingdom again."

"Tournament's in three weeks," Mai told him.

Ryou glared. This was an almost humorous spectacle. "Die."

Bakura perked up. "Someone talking about death?"

Jounouchi and Mai shared a long, panic-stricken look. "We have to go somewhere," Jounouchi invented, shaking Blaze off of his shoulder. "Now. Away. By ourselves. Stay here," he added, pointing at Blaze. "Sit on the step or something. Bye."

As the purple Bug roared away, Blaze said sulkily, "I have the feeling we've been dismissed."

No answer.

"Guys? Hey?" Blaze asked, twisting to look for the remaining two people. "Whoa. Holy mother, you don't see _that_ everyday, and _I'm_ the man-whore. Eeesh. I'll be, uh. Going up there." He gestured a bit for a minute, then dropped his hands. "And you guys couldn't give a damn. Right." Blaze hastily trotted up the driveway to the apartment and sat in the lobby dejectedly. "Well, this is turning into a pisser of a day. Hey, could you at least keep it down?" he yelled over at the pair now thankfully hidden by the topiary garden.

* * *

Fluffy: gigglefit Hey, if they talked on the phone, they had to show up. And will summarily go away without ceremony. Enjoy them while they're here.

**lilmatchgirl007:** Thanks. ;; I'm having fun, so I hope you continue to like it.

**ani05tersrvip:** They _are_ fun, and so easy to play off each other...

**Kitten:** blush Thank you!

**bloodquartz:** I laugh whenever I see Ditzy!Mokuba. He's constant bait, but pretty shrewd.

**TaleneIsMyYami:** I am now on vacation (until July 7th) and am thus updating like a madwoman. Madthing. Er.

**Sailor Epyon:** Hmm. Perhaps I should throw in a flashback of just how Blaze was procured and from where.

**Lethe Seraph:** People ask me why I have random gigglefits whilst typing. I am enjoying myself far too much.

**Liviania:** Bwahaha. At least you didn't fall onto the linoleum. Gods know how long it's been since it was cleaned.

Duel: FEAR ME! REVIEW!


	9. In Which Mai Kujaku Makes A Phone Call

Fate: Because I love you, you're getting two updates. Bit of a funny story attached to it, actually. Sat down last night and started chapter nine, I did. Finished it today. Checked the page count and went, "Hmm, well, it splits nicely in half to be my usual page count, _and_ it ends what seems to be a chapter right there, too. And this story isn't exactly a long one either, either. Hmm indeed." And so, you have two chapters. Be happy.

Disclaimer: The people who write this don't really have problems with updating on time. We do. Do the maths. If you failed maths, then...well, you're kind of out of luck.

* * *

**[in which mai makes a phone call]**

"That was the most disturbing thing I've seen in a long time," Mai finally managed, eyeing her food with trepidation.

Jounouchi had no such restraint. "Mrf?" He swallowed, then continued, "Which of those highly disturbing moments do you mean?"

"Pretty much everything I've seen in the past twenty-four hours," Mai answered.

"I think I gotta agree with you on that one," Jounouchi said. He poked her plate. "I think it moved."

"I think so too." Mai reached over and stole some of Jounouchi's food instead. "Are you more than a little creeped out over that boy?"

"Kaiba or the blonde boyslut?" Jounouchi inquired. "Or are we talking Bakura-kun creepy? Because he definitely is that."

"Blonde boyslut," Mai specified. "I would ask how the albinos managed to find him, but I don't want to find out."

"They have _names,_" Jounouchi said indignantly.

"Right, fine. I really don't want to shatter my perceptions of Bakura, so I don't want to know where he and the evil albino freak pulled up their blondie boyslut," Mai corrected.

"Better," Jounouchi said with a grin. "Bakura-kun's a really nice person. Just...distant. And dating a very, very disturbed man who happens to live in his mind on off days."

"Dating seems a little light, from what I noticed," Mai replied just as cheerfully.

Jounouchi choked, giving Mai the opportunity to steal some more food from his plate. "I don't want to think about that!" he squeaked.

Mai propped her chin on one hand and stared at a point to the right of Jounouchi's ear thoughtfully. "I wonder if they're both extremely vain or if they just don't notice that they're exactly alike? Or perhaps they're the kinky sort who shag with blindfolds."

Jounouchi dropped his head onto the table and made a few quiet whimpering noises, sending Mai into torrents of laughter. After a small amount of time was devoted to recovery for both parties, he lifted his head and looked at Mai thoughtfully. "So now that we've got him, what are we going to do with him?"

"You have a point there," Mai said regretfully. "We could have sent him off in a taxi with a box of condoms and a few sex toys, but I'm not too sure how well that would be received."

"Mmm. Me either," Jounouchi replied wisely. "It'd be damn useful to have someone on the inside right about now."

Blink.

Blink.

"Hang on a tick," Mai said, rooting about for her phone. "You know the number to KaibaCorp?"

Jounouchi already had his electronic planner out and was scrolling through it. "Here." He slid the PDA across the table, then scrambled around to listen to the phone conversation as Mai finished dialling the number.

"Good afternoon. I want to talk to Kaiba Mokuba," Mai said simply when the receptionist picked up. "Yes, I know him. No, I don't have an appointment. Of course he knows who I am. Yes, of course he'll talk to me. I'm Kujaku Mai, that's who I am! Yes, the _duelist_ Kujaku. No, this isn't about the tournament. Yes, I'm sure it's Kaiba Mokuba I want to speak to. It's about his brother. No, I'm _not_ a reporter! Look, can I just talk to him? No, I won't hold! All right, fine, if you won't put me on, I'm coming down there and I'm going to go talk to him in person!" Beep.

Jounouchi grabbed his PDA again as Mai signalled for the check. "Got the address."

"You're good," Mai said with a smile, rooting about for money to cover her share. The two blondes each slapped down some cash, then took off for the Bug.

The waitress blinked after them, looking mildly confused. "Now why on earth would they want to speak to Kaiba Mokuba?"

[-]

"Remember me?" Mai asked, leaning on the receptionist's desk.

"You...you're Kujaku Mai," the receptionist replied, looking bewildered.

"Yes, I am. I called," Mai said, batting her eyelashes. Jounouchi backed off prudently and let Mai do her stuff. "Now, listen, handsome. I know you were doing your job on the phone, but it's really urgent for the sake of the gorgeous blonde lurking in the corner and the sake of Kaiba Seto that I speak with his younger brother. It's all about the stress relief, you see."

"I see," the receptionist said, looking rather hypnotised. It wasn't every day that he had utterly hot, voluptuous blonde women draping themselves over his desk while wearing a corset and a _very_ short skirt.

Maybe there was something to be said for low-level KaibaCorp positions after all.

"So, do you want to help me out?" Mai inquired.

"I, uh, I, sure," the receptionist stammered. "Let me put you through to his secretary."

"Aw, come on," Mai began. "Can't you just ring him up?"

"I...er, I suppose I could do that," the receptionist babbled, picking up the phone. "Eh, er, K-kaiba-sama? Th-there's a...a lady here to see you. And...and a boy," he added at Mai's meaningful look.

Pause. "I, uh, of course, sir. I'll send them right up." He hung up, then looked at Mai. "The, uh, the elevator down the hallway there, that leads to, uh, to where you're going. There's...there's only one floor on it, so you'll, you'll see where you're supposed to go."

"Thanks a ton," Mai said, easing off the desk. "You've been a lifesaver."

"I, uh, thanks?" the receptionist finally managed as Jounouchi and Mai set off down the hallway.

[-]

Mokuba was pacing in the hallways when the elevator dinged and slid open. He blinked, straightened up, and whirled to behold the blonde duo from the night before. "Hello," he said cheerily, waving. "So, you've got something new about my brother?"

"We found a lookalike Jounouchi," Mai said simply.

Mokuba gaped for a few seconds. "You're kidding."

"That's what we thought," Jounouchi piped up. "Who'da thought that Bakura-kun would've been able to find someone like me so fast, and in such a place?"

"What place are we talking about, now?" Mokuba inquired, sounding highly interested.

Jounouchi stared at Mokuba. "You can't be anywhere old enough for me to tell you that without your brother being more ready to kill me than he is."

"I'll give you that," Mokuba said easily. "But you can't be that much older than I am."

Jounouchi put his hands on his hips. "I'll be nineteen in just a few days, I'll have you know. That is _certainly_ old enough for Mary-Sue's House of – _oohshit_," he finished, turning an odd shade of magenta.

"You manipulative little sod," Mai said to Mokuba appreciatively.

"I'm Seto's brother. What did you expect?" Mokuba replied. "Don't answer that," he ordered after a second.

"Fine then," Mai replied. "Do you have some place private where we could talk?"

Mokuba looked thoughtful. "Everything here is piped through the surveillance rooms. I doubt Seto-niisama would be pleased with us having our conversation here. Why not meet at the usual time and place?"

"One AM good for you?" Mai replied.

"That works for me," Mokuba agreed, inclining his head slightly. "And you?"

"I'm totally free," Jounouchi answered. "Can I get a ride?"

"Of course," Mai told him, looking slightly startled. "That gives us...what, nine hours to kill?"

"Sorry about that." Mokuba shrugged. "Bring your friends."

"Which ones?" Jounouchi asked.

"Heh. I ought to specify, oughtn't I?" A grinning Mokuba continued, "Perhaps your friends from the coffee shop, and perhaps your friends who found you your lookalike. And of course the lookalike himself."

Mai did some fast mental arithmetic. "Fitting everyone into my Bug is going to be interesting."

"I'd better call Bakura-kun now," Jounouchi said with a sigh. "Are you _sure_ you want his yami to show up?"

Mokuba blinked. "Hang on, hang on, Yami no Bakura?"

"What, he's got more than one deranged man living in his mind?"

"I've had some not pleasant encounters with that deranged man, thank you," Mokuba said irritably.

Jounouchi raised one eyebrow. "How many times have you been a game piece?"

Mokuba thought about it. "Yami no Yuugi put me in a Shadow Game. And so did Seto-niisama, after a fashion."

"What about a Duel Monsters card?" Jounouchi demanded.

"Been there, done that," Mokuba added with a sigh. "That Crawford man was really not all there."

Jounouchi looked a bit miffed. "What are you, kidnapping bait?"

Mokuba began counting on his fingers. "Two Shadow Games, one stint as being a game card, kidnapped three times, re-kidnapped from my kidnappers twice, run into my exact likeness as a girl once – thank God it was only once – and have been used as a bartering piece two or three times. So yes, I _am_ kidnapping bait. Especially for deranged crazy people who have gold jewellery from Egypt."

"Ah," Jounouchi answered. "That would do it."

"Wouldn't you think?" Mokuba agreed. He glanced at his watch. "Not to kick you out or anything, but I've got to fly out to the island to check on a few more things, and I believe my copter's finished being filled with gas."

"You're flying out by yourself? Damn," Jounouchi congratulated the boy.

Mokuba tossed his hair. "I'm not _alone._" He tapped the gun holster on one black denim-covered hip. "I've got my Magnum for company!"

"You are a scary, _scary_ little kid," Jounouchi finally managed. "Always have been."

"So glad to hear it," Mokuba agreed sweetly. "Want me to drop you two off at the parking lot?"

"That would be nice," Mai said wistfully. "Why did you decide to make people park a good two kilometres from the main building?"

"That was Gozaburo," Mokuba said with a sneer. "Seto-niisama has this grand plan to rearrange the whole place so the parking lot is closer and some of our other less useful buildings are farther out, but he keeps getting too distracted with tournaments and stuff. He keeps this up and I'm going to steal the plans and do it myself," he added, sighing and heading for the door. "Coming?"

Mai and Jounouchi looked at each other for a second, then followed him along a hallway and out onto the helipad.

"We good?" Mokuba yelled up to a young woman sitting on the pilot side.

"All set, sir!" the woman called back, jumping down and handing him a clipboard.

Mokuba scanned it, then handed it back. "Thanks, Nuri-san."

"Any time, sir." The woman snapped a mock-salute, then stepped back into the building.

"C'mon," Mokuba said, jumping up into the pilot's seat and grabbing the headset. "It'll be fun, I promise."

Jounouchi warily climbed up into the copter, then gave Mai a hand up as well as Mokuba punched the chopper blades into rotation with a whoop.

A few dizzying minutes later, Mokuba touched down neatly on an open patch of asphalt near the Bug. "Here you are!"

"Thanks, kid," Mai told him, jumping out of the copter and attempting to smooth her hair. "You're a real sweetheart."

"Aww," Mokuba replied. "Most people say I'm some kind of demon from hell."

"Then maybe you have a split personality," Mai replied as Jounouchi jumped down next to her, his hair sticking up in all sorts of crazy directions. "See you tonight?"

"Tonight!" Mokuba agreed, lifting off again with a wave.

Mai and Jounouchi both craned to watch him go, then stared at each other again.

"He disturbs me too," Jounouchi finally said.

"I have to agree with you there," Mai answered, unlocking and opening her door. "So are you calling your freaky – er, Bakura-san and his shadow?"

"Just for kicks, yes," Jounouchi answered, punching the numbers in on his cell. "Thanks for letting me charge this, by the way."

"Hey, we're waiting until we're totally done with this Kaiba thing before we try and send you off to a truck stop to make phone calls and be hit on by bikers," Mai answered.

"Very funny. Damn answering machines," he added after a pause. "Hi, Bakura-kun, it's Jounouchi. Call me when you get this." Beep. "Well, now what do we do?"

Mai looked at her clock. Four forty-five in the afternoon. "I wonder if that Blaze boy is still hanging out outside my apartment."

"Oh, Lord," Jounouchi muttered as Mai put the car in gear and rocketed out of the lot.

[-]

"Blaze!"

Blaze looked up hopefully. "Hi there!" He jumped to his feet and ran up to the car, glancing at his lookalike. "Did I ever get your name?"

The lookalike blinked. "Jounouchi Katsuya. Blaze can't be your real name. Or can it?"

Blaze considered it. "Wellp, I don't really remember having much else of a name, so...I guess it is."

Jounouchi tilted his head back and forth. "Huh. Well, whatever works for you. Look, do you know the all-night coffee shop on Marandon?"

"That's near Mami-rin's corner," Blaze said thoughtfully. "I guess I know it."

"We're going there at one AM to meet Kaiba-sama's younger brother," the blonde girl called over Jounouchi's shoulder. "Do you know where the alb – Bakura-kun and his boyfriend are?"

Blaze looked thoughtful. "I think they might still be in the shrubberies. I'll go check."

"I'm closer," Jounouchi said, taking a step towards the shrubberies from the Bug.

"But I'm the whore," Blaze replied with a smirk, deftly stepping between Jounouchi and the bushes. "Aren't I in this to protect your innocence, Jounouchi-_futago_?" [1]

Jounouchi choked and climbed back into the car hastily as Blaze rattled the bushes. "Yoh!"

"Fuck off," Bakura retorted spiritedly.

"Are you lot decent yet?"

"We were never un-decent," Ryou said, poking his head out of the bushes. "Cross my heart."

Blaze immediately broke into a highly conspicuous coughing fit. "I'm sure," he managed after a long moment. "Anyway, your friends are back."

"So what?" Bakura snarled. "Oi, where are _you_ going?"

"Yamiiii! Lemme go! Ack! Ow! Dammit, _ow!_"

"Shit! Shitfuckowshit! Ow! What'd I do? What _is_ it?!"

"Goddammit! Get your fucking elbow _out of my ribs_ or you're not going to _have_ an elbow in five seconds! And _get your teeth off my neck!"_ Ryou screeched, flailing about. "Ow! _Ow!"_

"I'm going to _burn_ this bush," Bakura swore under his breath. Blaze's eyes widened and he backed away prudently, hitting the Bug as he did so.

"Care for a ride?" the blonde girl asked, her eyes just as wide.

Blaze dove into the back seat and stared some more. "They scare me."

"Don't worry about it." Jounouchi seemed to be the only one totally at ease. "They do this all the time. It's why Ryou tends to be a little more distant. He knows he's got this effect on people. Or, actually, his yami. Well, that _is_ him. Or...something."

The three all stared at the bush some more.

After about five profanity-filled minutes, Ryou finally managed to drag himself out of the bush. All movement in the bush stopped as Bakura poofed serenely into existence next to him.

Jounouchi hung out the window once more. "So, uh, Bakura-kun. And deranged nutcase. And Blaze..._futago,_" he finished, for lack of a better suffix. "And Mai-chan, of course," he added when the aforementioned girl glared. "We're meeting Kaiba's little brother at the coffee shop on Marandon at one AM. And you're all coming with us."

"That'll be a hell of a squish," Blaze observed.

Bakura wrapped one arm around Ryou's waist and rested his chin on the slighter boy's shoulder. "That thing seats four. What's the problem?"

Blaze raised his eyebrows. "I count five."

Bakura stared at him. Ryou stared at him. Jounouchi stared at him. Mai stared at a spot on her car roof.

"Oh. Right. Four. Forgot about that shiny thing."

"Mine," Bakura said possessively, using his other hand to grab onto the Millennium Ring resting on Ryou's chest.

"Yeah, yeah," Blaze agreed. "So how long do we have until this meeting?"

Jounouchi consulted his watch. "Seven hours or so?"

"Can I come back at, say, midnight?" Blaze inquired. "I've got some things to take care of. Errands and such. Making myself pretty. You know."

"Sure," Mai said, finally getting out of the car and slamming the door. Jounouchi followed suit, allowing her to lock and set the alarm on the car as well. "You lot staying or going?" she asked Ryou and Bakura.

The pair looked at each other thoughtfully. This was done with no small amount of difficulty, given their present entwined state.

"Or are you shagged out for the day?" Mai prompted.

Ryou turned an odd shade of magenta and squeaked. "I could, uh, I might have, uh, I...homework to do?" he finally managed.

Jounouchi stared at him. "You were a graduating senior in my class. _What_ homework?"

"...summer reading?"

"It's _July._"

Bakura finally got bored with this back-and-forth and gazed meaningfully at Jounouchi with one of his higher-level 'this is the part where I EAT YOUR SOUL! AHAHAHAHA!' looks.

"Right. Homework it is," Jounouchi agreed, stepping behind the car for added protection. Ryou squeaked again.

"Midnight?" Bakura said carefully, still with the soul-eating expression firmly in place.

"Yes," Mai answered, as Jounouchi seemed incapable of speech.

"...when is that again?"

Ryou finally tugged free of his yami's grasp and started dragging him down the sidewalk. "Yami, you are _such_ a ditz."

"I am not, you little shit!"

"Are too, fucktard."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"I'm _not!"_

"You are _so_ a ditz."

"I am _not!"_

"Yes, you – mmmph!"

Cue the sweatdrops and the thanking of each individual god or gods that the pair had already turned the corner.

* * *

Fluffy: [1] Blaze is calling Jounouchi his 'twin', just to be...Blaze. )shrug(

**Inuko Metallium:** I try. ;;

**lilmatchgirl007:** Mai and Blaze? Hmm. Never considered that one. Wonder if I'd get killed for – )is pelted with various and sundry...stuff(

**Kitten:** Yes. Er. Yes.

**Sailor Epyon:** XD Now I want to write some kind of side-oneshot detailing Blaze, Ryou, and Bakura's meeting. )the various and sundry stuff is flung again(

**Shadow of Arashi:** Sorry, no. I am a supporter of SxJ, so...maybe once I get my life sorted out and all these effing fics under control, I'll be able to figure out something to that effect. )pokes pile of fics( )runs screaming when fics chase her across the room(

**Shinnyu Kudzu:** Thy wish is my command. XD Check the next chapter.

**Liviania:** Don't they just? I'm having fun with Ryou and Bakura, too. I don't need to be all serious and angsty with them. It's really fun. ;;

**Flame Swordswoman:** I like your nick. ;; Thanks!

Duel: Yo. Review.


	10. In Which Blaze Is Very Happy

Fate: Woot. The other chapter. A bit shorter, since it was all originally...one chapter. Er. Something like that.

Disclaimer: Go away.

* * *

**[in which blaze is very happy]**

Mokuba Kaiba quietly purred into the driveway and turned his motorcycle off. Hopping off the bike, he sauntered into the coffee shop and bellied up to the bar. "Good evening," he said to the redhead sitting next to him.

"Isn't it morning?" Lupita asked. "Aren't you Kaiba Mokuba?"

"That it is and that I am," Mokuba agreed. "We're concluding our business here tonight, you see."

Ruoko poked his head over Lupita's shoulder. "What, just you and us?"

Mokuba tapped his fingers idly on the counter top. "No, no, there should be several more people joining us soon."

"What is this, a party?" Ruoko demanded.

"Something like that," Mokuba said thoughtfully. "Oh, look, they're here."

"Better get some more," Ruoko muttered, reaching for the espresso machine.

Mokuba jumped down from the bar stool and walked over to the door. "Fancy meeting you here," he said to Mai and Jounouchi, who had both climbed out of the Bug's front seats.

"Mokuba-san?" A slender boy with pale silver hair and a heavy gold necklace scrambled out of the back seat after them. "Oh. Er. Hello."

Mokuba looked warily at Ryou. "Where's your other self?"

"Yo, _gaki_." [2] Bakura slung one arm around Ryou's waist and grinned, complete with fangs, less-than-sane look, and general evil aura. It didn't help that his stance also screamed _psychotic boyfriend on the loose! _

"Yo yourself," Mokuba shot back. "This everyone?"

"Hi there!" A tall blonde bounced out of the back of the car, completing the array. "You're Kaiba Mokuba? You're setting this up? I _love_ you!" he finished, glomping the startled teenager.

"Blaze? Blaze, get down," Jounouchi said, putting a hand on his lookalike's shoulder and prising him loose.

"Aww." Blaze pouted, but let Mokuba go.

"Erm. Let's go inside, shall we?" Mokuba invited, holding the door open. Within a minute, the group had arranged themselves around Ruoko, Lupita, and the sleeping cashier.

"Is she dead?" Bakura asked, gazing at the cashier.

"No, yami."

"Can I kill her?"

"_No,_ yami."

"Can I have some of that black stuff?"

"_No!"_

"Who cares what _you_ think, yadonushi?"

"I'll break the espresso over your head if you don't stop trying to steal –_ack_!"

"You said you thought they might be cute?" Jounouchi muttered under his breath to Lupita.

"They are," Lupita said, staring in fascination at the tussling pair bonded by the Ring.

"Aren't they just?" Ruoko agreed.

"...shouldn't you be jealous, not agreeing with her?" Jounouchi inquired.

Ruoko shrugged and kept staring.

Mai looked at Mokuba. "Now would be the time for you to be a manipulative little bastard again."

Mokuba grinned at her from his perch on the counter. Then his expression froze as he looked past her to the driveway. "Everyone shut up," he said quietly.

Everyone shut up and stared at the now-opening door.

Seto Kaiba poked his head around it. "Mokuba?"

"Squerk," Jounouchi announced and began sliding under the counter.

"Hi, niisama," Mokuba replied with a wave. "How's things?"

"It's one in the morning," Seto said levelly.

"Yep," Mokuba agreed.

"And you've brought what looks like a college frat party with you," Seto added disdainfully.

"Oi!" Lupita said indignantly. Ruoko and Blaze both sighed dreamily. Bakura pulled a slip-sliding switch into "FUCK WITH ME AND DIE, MORTAL!" mode, Ryou squeaked and started sliding under the bar as well, and Jounouchi made a low snarling noise that sounded half furious and half pained.

Mai jumped to her feet and glared at Seto. "That's a fine reception for the people who're not only saving your sanity but giving your ego a nice boost."

"Who said anything about helping _him_?" Bakura demanded. "I'm in it because I hate sleeping on the fucking couch."

"We don't have a couch any more, yami. Remember?"

"...oh, right, I burned it."

"Uh huh."

"So why am I here?"

"Because I'll make you sleep on the fire escape if you don't."

"Oh. Right."

Seto stared at Bakura with an expression that said clearly, _I almost let my brother get kidnapped by _you?_ Not only once, but _twice? He then cleared his throat and prompted, "Mokuba?"

"Right then," Mokuba began, jumping to his feet as well. "Seto? This is Blaze. Blaze, this is my brother, Kaiba Seto."

"Woot!" Blaze said inexplicably, and glomped Seto.

"Lucky bastard," Ruoko muttered. Lupita promptly smacked him across the back of the head with a growl.

"So why don't you take him out? There's some good movies on tonight," Mokuba said thoughtfully, a rather demonic gleam in his grey eyes. "Ooh, and you could go out and dance somewhere. You'll have to get changed though," he added to Seto, who was still looking somewhat disoriented to have a barely dressed blonde clinging bodily to him. "Or you could – "

"Oh, shut up, otouto," Seto retorted with a wave. "We're going, we're going. Be good. Don't shoot anyone. And don't send Moni-chan in to wake me up early if you value your miserable little life."

"Yes, sir!" Mokuba replied, snapping a salute.

"Right, we're off," Seto muttered, turning and heading out the door with Blaze still hanging on.

"Hey," Jounouchi spoke up, gazing straight at Seto.

"What?" Seto snapped, turning back around.

Jounouchi held up Mai's video camera innocently. "I seem to have accidentally recorded this...transaction."

"I'd call it charity," Blaze added.

"Mokuba!" Seto said desperately.

Having already anticipated this, Jounouchi was halfway across the room and hit the back door running before Mokuba could do more than pull his Magnum out and aim.

"You break it, you buy it," Mai said, examining her nails.

"We own the store," Seto said, looking exasperated.

"You thought I was talking about the store?" Mai demanded.

Seto looked thoroughly harassed, but didn't get to do more than look pissy before Blaze poked his face and pulled on the puppy eyes. "Se-_toooo._ Can we _go_ yet?"

"Erm. Yes. Sure. Let's," Seto spluttered as Blaze finally detached himself and started dragging the CEO out of the shop. "Mokuba, put the gun away."

"Aww," Mokuba pouted, flicking the safety back on and shoving it back in his jeans.

Bakura looked at him skeptically. "How the hell do you fire that thing without getting knocked on your ass, _gaki?_"

"Shut up," Mokuba retorted. "Don't forget the condoms, Seto-niichan!" he added sweetly as his brother edged out the door.

"I know where you live!" Seto yelled as he hustled into his limousine.

"Not for the next two weeks, you don't!" Mokuba shot back as the door slammed. He then looked plaintively at the rest. "I'm going to the island early so I don't have to listen to them foffing night and day."

Ruoko choked on his espresso and had to be whacked across the back by Lupita a couple times. Bakura made to "assist", but was smacked across the head by Ryou before he could do more than look thoroughly intrigued by the seeming violence.

"Oh, hang on, that's right," Mokuba added, fishing in his pockets. "Here. You and you," he added, flipping what looked like a small, shiny coin at Ryou and Mai. "Oh, and you can have one too," he added to Bakura. "But only if you swear on Ryou-san's life that you won't kidnap me, trap me in a card or gaming piece, use me as a bartering piece, strangle me, suck out my soul, stab me, cut me, poison me, drag my corpse around, steal things from me – "

"Christ, _gaki, _I get the fucking picture!" Bakura exploded. "Give me the damn shiny thing, will you?"

"Hn. See if _I'm_ nice to you during the tournament," Mokuba sulked.

"You know, I think they're flirting," Mai said to the shop at large.

Mokuba squeaked, "I am _not!"_

Bakura shrugged. "I want another shiny thing. Give," he ordered, toying with Ryou's Ring idly.

"I don't suppose I get one, now, do I?" Jounouchi asked, poking his head back in the door.

Mokuba went for his Magnum again. "I'll trade it for the videotape."

Jounouchi gave him a long look. "There isn't a videotape. Look." He popped the camera open to show a lack of memory cartridge or tape. "I'm fucking with your brother's mind because I can't stand the sorry bastard. Nothing personal or anything. He's just a complete and utter dick."

"Uh huh. Nothing personal. Sure." Mokuba looked unconvinced. He crossed the room, glanced out into the alleyway, surveyed Jounouchi for a long moment, then sighed. "Well, it does seem like your type of thing to do."

"Hey, now how would you know anything like that?" Jounouchi demanded.

Mokuba rolled his eyes and began counting on his fingers again. "Duelist Kingdom, Battle City, my _other_ brother – "

"Can you _stop_ making lists of all your damn grievances?" Bakura demanded.

Ryou elbowed him in the ribs. "Oh, shut up."

"I most certainly will _not!_ I have to listen to the yadonushi whining all the time about all _he_ goes through, and – mrrph!"

Cue the ostrich egg-sized sweatdrop.

"_If_ we're done here?" Mokuba said with a sigh, "I'll be more than happy to hand over the other two Brands."

"The whats?" Jounouchi asked, accepting his.

Mokuba held out his left hand and pulled the glove off of it, displaying a shiny black disc implanted both on the palm and the back of his hand. "Brands. They superficially resemble each other, but there are variations in the colouring that indicates the privileges of the Branded individual. Seto and I both have black ones. There's four in a stack. They attach to either side of both hands like so," he added, tapping the shiny circles on either side of his hand. "No lasting damage or pain or anything. Holographic projection is contained in them. Gold for well-recognized champions, silver for those who aren't as recognized but are returning to one of our tournaments, and bronze for those who we recruited from other tournaments."

Jounouchi and Mai both eyed their gold circles with no small amount of trepidation.

"Hey, hey, wait," Ryou said, holding up one Branded hand. "What's the red for?"

"Oh, right," Mokuba added. "Red for people Seto knows are completely bonkers and who he thinks will make it to the final rounds anyway."

"Well, thanks," Ryou sulked.

"At least you're special," Mokuba pointed out.

Bakura was busily entertaining himself by watching the Brands on either hand catch the light. "Oooh, _shiny_..."

"And you've all got yours about a week early, too," Mokuba added. "Practice away. I've got to make some more runs to the other gold and red Brands. Seto wants those ones out as fast as he can."

Ryou and Bakura exchanged glances. It was pretty similar to the glances Jounouchi and Mai were exchanging, only there was a slightly deranged edge that the blondes didn't have.

Well, they _did_ get screaming red Brands.

"I suppose I ought to be off, then," Mokuba added with a sigh, tugging his glove back on and heading for the door. "I'll see you in two weeks!"

"Fun," Mai said as the dark-haired boy hopped onto his bike and roared away. Then she blinked and turned to Jounouchi. "Where'd you put my memory card?"

Jounouchi rooted around in one of his pockets, then produced the memory card and tape. "There. Kaiba being glomped by Blaze, in fully coloured glory."

"You're sadistic. I like you," Bakura announced. "Maybe I won't kill you to get you out of my way."

"You'd better not, or you're on the fire escape for the rest of bleeding eternity," Ryou snapped.

"Fuck! Okay, okay, fine! Be a bitch about it, why don't you?" Bakura sulked.

"I vote we go and download this," Mai said, hopping off the stool. "Now that everything's resolved and all, that is."

"Looks pretty resolved to me," Lupita said, stretching. "Ruoko, let's go out again. I'm wired so badly I think my bones are shaking."

"Yeah, sure," Ruoko agreed, slithering down off the stool. "Let's all clear out."

"Anyone want a ride?" Mai asked.

Jounouchi and Ryou both put their hands up. After a beat, Bakura glanced up. "Huh?"

"Right, we're off," Ruoko said, slinging an arm around Lupita's waist and holding the door open. He tossed a handful of cash onto the bar as an afterthought.

"Yami, you can't steal that."

"Why not?"

"Because I _said_ so. You can work the crowd at the club tonight."

"Promise?"

"Promise. Hey, hey, get your hands out of there!"

"I'm just practising!"

"You are _so_ not practising! Eeeep! _Yamiiiiii_!"

"Aww," Lupita said. "Aren't they adorable?"

"Puppies and kittens," Mai answered in a doom-laden voice, prompting a snicker from Jounouchi.

Watching Ruoko and Lupita drive away, a sudden thought hit Mai like...well, like a rather nasty sudden thought.

_I'm not going to see Jounouchi again after this, am I? _She half-smiled to herself at her idiocy._ Now why would I think that? And why would it matter? It happened once already..._

_...it would matter, wouldn't it._

_...well, _damn.

Damn those sudden thoughts. Always trying to screw with her 'happily ever after' scenarios.

A quick flash of movement caught her eye.

"Jounouchi-kun?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me I didn't just see Otogi-san snogging in a dark alleyway with some crazy man holding a harpoon." [3]

"...I need to wash my eyes out now."

_Yep. Happy ending this night is _not._ Where are my eyedrops?_

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Fluffy: [2] Gaki means kid, or brat. We figure that what with all the time Bakura and Mokuba spend together (one or the other usually being unconscious at the time, but whatever), at least one of them would have developed some sort of unpleasant nickname for the other. Basically, Bakura's being his usual random self. And [3]: Be happy, Shinnyu Kudzu. Happy! XD

Duel: Didn't I tell you to review last chapter?


	11. In Which They Live Happily Ever After

Fate: I'm gonna miss this story. It's been a lot of fun! I keep swearing I'll kick Ryou and Bakura out, but I can never quite make it happen...they make Jounouchi and Mai bond all the more! But they're going, I _swear!_

Disclaimer: La la la la la.

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[in which mai kujaku lives happily ever after]

Mai was driving, Jounouchi was surreptitiously filming, Ryou was looking long-suffering, and Bakura was clinging to Ryou and whimpering whenever the car jolted in the slightest.

Ah, the joys of Domino City at night.

"Yami...you could just, you know, go back in the Ring," Ryou pointed out, not for the first time.

Bakura violently shook his head, nearly braining the pair of them. "Wibble."

"Or you could sit in my lap and half-molest me," Ryou added with a sigh.

"Exactly. Eeep!" Bakura added as they went around another corner.

"You wait until we're on the freeway. Then it gets scary," Jounouchi advised with a snicker.

Ryou glared at him as balefully as he could manage in the rear-view mirror. Jounouchi promptly burst out laughing.

"We've only got a little more ways to go until the freeway, too," Mai added with a smile. "So, Jounouchi, feel like going somewhere tonight?"

"Y'know, I think that I oughta ask you out on a date or something," Jounouchi replied with an equally brilliant smile.

Mai blinked, nearly missed the turn, and pulled a neat 540 in the middle of the intersection. Jounouchi clung to the seat, Bakura and Ryou both plunged down between the seats and started praying, and Mai tried to keep from having a cardiac and dying on the spot. "You _what_?"

"You, me, date?" Jounouchi proposed weakly.

"Oh. Sure!" Mai answered, grinning and stomping on the gas, shoving her elation down firmly. _He's just doing it to be friendly. You saved his ass, he knows it, and you know it. It's just friendly. Don't jump him and snog him. He's just a kid. You're driving and you have a hysterical and homicidal spirit who's terrified of cars in your back seat. Calm down. Calm._

"Sorry about that," Jounouchi apologised to everyone in general.

"Your soul is mine," Bakura wheezed, crawling back up onto the seat. "Goddamn," he added feelingly.

"It might help if you wore a seatbelt," Mai suggested tactfully.

"I'll take the risk of flying out the window. I'm indestructible anyway," Bakura sulked. "Squerk!" he added, falling into Ryou as Mai swerved into the left-hand lane.

"This is more fun," Ryou added. "Mmmf. Do that again."

"May I remind you two that my car is _not_ a love pit?" Mai said sternly.

"Sorry, Mai-san. Yami, stop licking that."

Jounouchi closed his eyes, put a hand to his forehead, and started praying. Then he leaned over to Mai and whispered, "My idea of revenge is that really crazy club way out. You know. An hour or so?"

"By normal driving standards," Mai whispered back with a smirk. "Clever man. And it's classy."

"What, you think I'm some kind of cheap bastard?" Jounouchi teased.

"A bastard sometimes, but never cheap," Mai deadpanned. "Hey, hey, don't poke me! A girl needs her concentration when she's driving!" she protested, giggling.

"Jounouchi-san, please don't distract her," Ryou pleaded from the back seat. "Please?"

"I cease and desist," Jounouchi agreed, holding his hands up innocently. "Oh look, here's the freeway."

Bakura went wide-eyed and traced some kind of symbol in the air before clinging to Ryou again.

"What was that?" Mai asked.

Bakura glared. "Eternal life. I think I'm going to need it."

Ryou grabbed Bakura around the neck and hung on like grim death. "Hold me."

Jounouchi cracked up.

Mai raised her eyebrows. "I suppose you two don't have to worry about dying virgins, at least."

Ryou squeaked and hid his face in Bakura's hair. Bakura squeaked and clung to the seat as the Bug swooped around a corner. Jounouchi quietly checked to make sure the video camera wedged behind his head still had battery power.

Mai's eyes were focused on the blue and red lights flashing behind her. "Bakura-san?"

"Yes?" Ryou managed.

"No, your other half."

Bakura answered with a torrent of cursing.

"I was wondering how long it was going to take before you did that," Mai said distractedly. "Would you mind doing something about those policemen?"

Bakura perked up instantly.

"_No Monster World dolls,_" Ryou snarled.

Everyone stared at Ryou. Even Mai.

"Watch the road," Jounouchi remembered quickly.

Bakura's eyes gleamed as Ryou put the window down and more or less shoved him out.

Mai stared straight ahead as Jounouchi did a double-take. "Where'd he go?"

"EAT THIS! MAN-EATER BUG! AHAHAHA!"

"The roof," Ryou said calmly. He stuck his head out. "Yamiiii! Stop doing a victory dance! You're gonna fall off!" [1]

"It's so much nicer up here!" Bakura crowed.

"Yamiiii! Please come down!"

"Make me! Wheeeee! No hands! Oooh shiny!"

"Yamiiii!" Ryou wailed a third time. "Get back in here!" He looked hopefully at Mai. "Can I promise him sexual favours?"

"Not in my car," Mai retorted.

"Damn," Ryou said sadly. "Ya-_mi,_" he complained, edging out the window and clinging to the roof. The poor boy promptly went dead pale when he saw how fast the road was going past.

"He's gonna fall off," Jounouchi predicted in a doom-laden voice.

"Oh well. If he does, he'll just do that poof-thing back into the car. And then climb back onto the roof," Mai finished. "Besides, he's much more harmless up on the roof."

"Are you sure about that?" Jounouchi asked, sounding very nervous.

"Positive," Mai agreed, though she wasn't at all. "By the way, when I'm not driving, you want to test these Brands out? I need to test-run my deck, see if I need anything else."

"Me too," Jounouchi agreed. "Name the day."

"Let's see if we get through tonight without losing our sanity or any major body parts," Mai cautioned.

They both looked surreptitiously at Ryou, who was sitting half-out of the car and arguing with Bakura.

"If he falls off, do you think he'll stay in the Ring?" Jounouchi wondered hopefully.

"Very doubtful," Mai informed him. "Oi, Bakura-san, push him off for us, we want to see what happens."

Ryou stuck his head back in, glowered, and then went back to arguing with Bakura.

Jounouchi was valiantly trying to suppress a giggle and failing. "He looks so goddamn _funny_ when he does that!"

"I heard that!" Ryou yelled.

"Uh, don't look now, but I think Bakura's about to get us all arrested again," Jounouchi said warily, examining his side mirror.

"Bugger," Mai said gloomily. "Bakura-san?"

"We got it," Ryou yelled in the window. "Uh-uh. _No,_ yami. This one's mine. You want me to _what_ when we get home?! Oh. Oh. Er. Um. I don't know how to...um. Um. Er..._No, I will not ask Jounouchi-san how to give a good blowjob with teeth!_"

Jounouchi put his head down on the dashboard and started convulsing with laughter. Mai was having a hard time driving in a straight line from giggling.

"Dammit, yami, just get in the goddamn car and I will do _whatever you want_ when we get home! Just not _in_ the car or we'll be tossed out on the freeway!"

A muttering Bakura climbed sulkily back in the window as Ryou easily slithered out. Jounouchi looked worriedly at the spirit. "Is he going to be okay up there? Is he going to fall off?"

Bakura glared at him. Jounouchi eeped and tried to climb into the glove compartment.

"You keep that up and I'm stuffing the both of you into the boot here and now," Mai told Bakura. "_What_ is your omote [2] doing?"

Bakura rolled his eyes at the ceiling, then grinned. There was promptly a resounding thump, the screech of a car braking very quickly, and then a much _larger_ thump. The sound of a lightning bolt striking very close finished it off.

Bakura promptly stood up, hauled Ryou bodily back into the car and into his lap, and kissed him firmly.

"There's a lot of things you don't want to see your friends doing," Jounouchi muttered. "Twincest [3] is high up on the list."

Mai eyed the extraordinarily large hole in the freeway behind her, then stomped on the gas. "If that wasn't Trap Hole and Ookazi in rapid-fire succession, I'll do a naked dance on the roof of the car right now."

"Please say it wasn't," Jounouchi immediately begged Ryou, trying not to look at the pair in the back seat.

"Mmmf. It was. Sorry," Ryou said. "What was that for?"

"You're a sexy bitch, that's why," Bakura answered stubbornly.

"Oh. Good-o. Meef!"

Jounouchi appeared to be filing this information away for future use. Mai snickered. "So what are we going to do on this date?"

Jounouchi blinked. "Hmm. Well, there's going to be dancing," he said thoughtfully. "And probably getting very drunk. And hopefully some making out. Please don't hurt me," he added, leaning into the window.

"Oh, I have no major issues with any of the things mentioned," Mai said airily, fighting all internal demands to drop the steering wheel and attempt the latter of the listed ideas.

"Oh good," Jounouchi said cheerfully. "Getting home might be a bit difficult though."

"Bakura-san just wrecked the highway," Mai pointed out. "We'd have problems either way."

"Oh, we only wrecked half the highway," Ryou pointed out. "And we can transport home. We _can_," he added warningly to Bakura. "No, I will not just ditch them to sober up and fall in a hole."

"Aw," Bakura pouted.

"I wonder how Kaiba-sama's getting on," Ryou mused.

Everyone stopped and shared a mental image.

"Eeeeeew." Jounouchi was the first to comment. Mai surreptitiously fanned herself. Ryou turned bright magenta and Bakura choked.

"Revenge for that will be sweet," Mai whispered over to Jounouchi.

"Thank you. You are my own personal goddess," Jounouchi whispered back.

"Glad to hear it," Mai replied cheerily, stomping thoroughly on her own self-doubt. "Revenge in five...four...three..."

Jounouchi glanced at the upcoming exit and promptly grabbed the seat with all the strength he could muster.

Mai swung the wheel hard to the right and went careening off in an almost perfect ninety-degree turn. She spun around the ramp, whirled onto the main road, and ran two red lights in rapid-fire succession before she calmed down to her normal non-highway speed.

Meanwhile, Ryou and Bakura were, respectively, having thorough hysterics and cursing every god imaginable for inventing such a machine and incarnating him in a time where he'd have to suffer through it.

"Thank you," Jounouchi said once he'd regained his breath.

"Any time," Mai answered, turning into the parking lot. "I made the exit. Did you pretty boys notice?"

Two pairs of eyes glared viciously -- though they were slightly unfocused -- from the back seat. They promptly both brained themselves on the backs of Jounouchi and Mai's seats when Mai stomped on the brakes.

"Let me guess. You stopped," Ryou said hazily.

"Very good," Mai chirped, jumping out of the Bug and examining it for any signs that two homicidal maniacs had been conversing, dancing, and casting spells from the roof. There were none apparent. "Coming?"

"Yeah, yeah," Bakura grumbled, tugging Ryou out of the car. "C'mon. You can get tips from the hookers."

"Ya-_miiiiiiiiiiii!_" Ryou wailed.

"You say something?"

Jounouchi looked across the car at Mai. "Well?"

Mai glanced around. They were relatively in shadow. "A couple things before we get in line."

Jounouchi looked nervous. "Uh oh."

"No, nothing bad. Just...did you mean it, when you asked me out?" Mai began hesitatingly. "Because I meant it when I said yes, and um..."

Jounouchi watched her talk herself into silence with one eyebrow raised, then said quietly, "I think I'm in love with you, you know."

Mai tried not to squeak. "Er."

"I think I actually fell in love with you all over again, when you talked to me that day in the coffee shop," Jounouchi mused. "And I was a bastard to not have told you before, and I was _definitely_ a bastard to not have talked to you for so long. I was just...scared." He sighed. "Really scared. And then Kaiba came along, and that scared me even more, and I just...panicked. And I just _had_ to talk to you then. So...so...you seemed like you could fix it, and I was just so grateful, and you'd seemed to be getting along fine without me, so I didn't...I didn't know what to do," he finished.

"I wasn't fine," Mai spoke up.

"I know...I know now," Jounouchi agreed. "And I wasn't exactly fine either."

"And I know _that_ now," Mai said, raising her eyebrows. "And you're still as touched in the head as you ever were."

"Thanks ever so," Jounouchi replied with a smile.

Mai just _had_ to smile back. "I think I fell in love with you all over again when I saw you in that coffee shop," she said, the words tumbling from her mouth in painful relief. "And it's been a hell of a ride, Jounouchi-kun."

"Is this the part where we kiss?" Jounouchi asked hopefully.

Mai nodded emphatically. "This is _definitely_ the part where we kiss."

"Sweet," Jounouchi said, grabbing her up, twirling her around, and kissing her.

Well, we never actually went into the club. We just stayed out in the parking lot and talked. And kissed. Well, we actually did a lot more kissing than talking, but we got _some_ talking done.

And we _did_ show the videotape to Ruoko-kun and Lupita-chan, but not to anyone else. And it was definitely a narrow escape. Ryou-kun -- he makes us call him that now -- chased us around a city block with his Earl of Demise for an hour while his yami sat on my Bug and laughed his ass off. But we got away with it. I think Bakura-kun -- the darker one -- had a hand in it. Something tells me he managed to find Ryou-kun a decent tutor that night and was, in his own way, saying thank you.

Blaze seems to be happy, too. No one's sure if Kaiba-sama's happy but Mokuba, and he's hiding out on the island. But Blaze is definitely having the time of his life, and _then_ some. He and his 'futago' are getting along wonderfully. Apparently Jounouchi has this amazing skill for calming him down when he goes on his glomp-rages.

Ruoko-kun and Lupita-chan are looking for an apartment now, someplace close to their coffee shop. They're looking at an apartment in my building. Jounouchi and I are helping them talk to the landlord.

Yeah, Jounouchi's finally moved out of the dump his father owned and he's living with me. We haven't...you know..._done_ anything yet, but...I guess we'll get there, if it all works out. I don't see why it won't. I mean, dammit, I want my happily-ever-after. I've had enough ups and downs to deserve it.

Jounouchi even went to the Kame Game Shop. On a Monday. At lunch time. All of his friends were there, of course. Something to do with a phone call they'd gotten from a girl they knew once telling them to be there or else. I even got Otogi-san to show up, just for the hell of it. You know. Just because I could.

Mokuba-san's having a blast out there, or so he says. The kid even called us to say thanks. I _said_ he was a sweetheart.

And, of course, Jounouchi and I sent him a nice, wallpaper-sized still of Blaze glomping his older brother. Just for kicks.

Ruri-chan and Yonmu-kun are dating now. I took them to meet Ruoko-kun and Lupita-chan and Jounouchi one night for espresso. They're not sure Alice is human. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't, since Mokuba-san hired her.

So, you know what? I guess I really _did_ get my happy ending after all.

Even if I did have to look Otogi-san straight in the face after I saw him making out with that crazy harpoon-man.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a gorgeous blonde covered in glitter who wants to duel me over who makes supper, and I've got a couple new cards to sort into my deck.

****

[strange, dear, but true, dear, when i'm close to you, dear, the stars fill the sky, so in love with you am i...]

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Fluffy: [giggle] We really are going to miss this fic. Ah well. The [1] refers to Sailor Comet's hilarious picture of Bakura getting his groove on. Go. Go and see it. Go. (Yes, the lack of linkage due to makes it a challenge. Muahaha.) [2] omote = outer self. [3] Twincest = the fandom term for twins who shag on a regular basis.

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lilmatchgirl007: Nothing wrong with chocolate chip cookies! And look, she got him after all!

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Shinnyu Kudzu: Erp. Apparently I'm better at convincing people than I thought. Look! Mai and Jou fluff! And...fanarts? Eee! You can definitely molest Mokuba!

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Kitten: Heh.

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Liviania: Happy endings are for...other people. Hee!

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Sailor Epyon: That camera definitely got its money's worth.

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TaleneIsMyYami: You're welcome! [blush]

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Inuko Metallium: Ahh, shiny things. I love playing with Ryou and Bakura.

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Lethe Seraph: Awk! It wasn't over! But now it is. ;; [sobbu]

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MotherChowGoddess: I'm quietly tucked away.

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FlameSwordswoman: Yep, Mai/Jou, Ryou/Bakura, Yuugi/Yami, Mokuba/his Magnum. See? Lotsa pairings!

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Manda Podima: Blaze makes me happy. :3

Duel: Be a luv and review...now, seriously, please tell me _someone_ was expecting one last chapter? But thanks, everyone, and there's other stories for you to look at if you're horribly depressed that this is ending! (And if that won't do...uh...plushies?) But thanks, and goodbye!


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